Talking to My Shadow
by 2degreesabovefreezing
Summary: Lovino spends his life telling doctors about his brother, Feliciano. They hear about his look-alike brother everyday but never see him. Lovino is finally taken to a new physiologist and he meets the doctor's son, a springy little Spaniard who's excited to help his new friend, no matter the difficulty. Will this illness mean a life time of seclusion for Lovino or can he win? Spamano
1. The Gift of Problems

TALKING TO MY SHADOW

_The Gift of Problems_

"Go to bed." I grumbled and shot a tired glare at the boy in the bed across from mine.

"Whyyyyy!? You always stay up with me!" He flipped onto his belly with a frustrated huff.

"And then Mom gives me all the heat about it."

"That's never bothered you before."

"I know but I've got to be up early tomorrow."

"Earlier than you get up for school?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"I'm not going to school tomorrow."

"Why not!?"

"I'm gonna go see some guy."

"A hospital guy?"

"A hospital guy."

"Am I going too?"

"Mom didn't say you were."

"_Can_ I go?"

"You don't like doctors."

"Well, neither do you."

"Good night, Feliciano."

"I want to go with you!"

"_**Good night**_, Feliciano."

"Good night." My brother sighed and pulled his blanket over his head. Soon, sleep came to the two of us.

My name is Lovino Vargas. I'm thirteen years old, that's one year older than my brother and I'll be fourteen next month. I'm getting pretty old, I guess. I mean, I still can't go out on my own but I can cook my own food n' stuff. I have my own phone, it's pretty sick. It doesn't have internet or anything but I got this cool case for it that looks like an old-school, hand-held Nintendo.

My brother is Feliciano. He's always with me, _always_. Sometimes he can be really annoying but I don't know what I would do without him, he's my other half. I have to be very careful with him because he needs me. My parents ignore him. Actually, just about everyone does. The poor guy gets laughed at all the time and people push right around him like total assholes. It's not his fault. He's just small and big guys like to pick on little guys.

As for the doctors, I see new doctors all the time. They last anywhere from a week to a few years, depending on how many prescriptions they write. The prescriptions are supposed to keep me from daydreaming but I usually don't take my them anyways. All that shit just screws with my brain parts and makes me dizzy.

The doctors are all boring old guys who ask me how I feel. Once or twice, I get a lady doctor but they do the same things and I go home with a few more orange prescription bottles. Feli does his part to watch out for me too, he tells me what pills I should or shouldn't take because he's crazy smart about science stuff. He knows what pills will make me sad and those ones go down the toilet. One time, I took a pill that made me vomit for hours and Feli got really mad. He told me I should hit the doctor who gave it to me. I've never seen him get so mad. He'd never told me to hurt anyone before. Then again, I know he doesn't want me to get in trouble.

My brother likes to talk. He talks to me for hours and I always get caught up listening to him. I get in trouble at school because of him. No one but Mom and Dad ever scold him and even then, it's just a little finger wagging. That's what annoys me the most. He'll convince me to take a walk with him when he can't sleep but I'll be the only one getting in trouble for leaving the house in the middle of the night. He'll make me splash in the puddles with him when it rains but I'll get yelled at for ruining my pants. Still, I can't imagine being without him. He's my brother, of course I'll be with him. He's my other half.

I woke up to the screaming of my alarm clock and Feliciano told me to turn it off. "Get up, you lazy bum." I spat, tumbling my dead weight out of bed.

"Do you know who this new hospital guy is?" He peeked his eyes out from under the blanket.

"Some douche in a pleated suit."

"Do you know anything else? Wear your blue shirt, it makes a better first impression." He mentioned as I began to pull my scarlet red button up from the closet. I traded it out for the blue one. "You're more approachable in blue."

"I know that he lives two blocks down from us, his kid is transferring into our school and Mom'll probably want me to be friends with him."

"You gotta be careful, Lovino. You know how-"

"Yeah, I know."

"All we need is each other."

"_That's right_." I pulled the clean shirt over my head.

"Last time you trusted someone else-"

"I know what happened, I know what happened."

"_Don't get hurt_. All I want is to make sure that-"

"_I got it_, Feli."

"Okay."

I finished getting dressed and my brother continued to lay around, telling me that he didn't want me to leave. Eventually, Mom called me down stairs for a bowl of cereal and we left. The office was suite 361 in this gross, brown, blob-looking building. Better yet, the office spelled like oatmeal and cheap wall plug-ins. The first thing I heard was the low humming of the radio, playing a country song but as I tuned my ears, I recognized the catchy 8-bit jingle of my favorite video game, Monster Ball Hunters. It was coming from the back room so I followed, hoping there would arise a possibility to play. My mom stayed in the reception room, too busy filling out papers to notice my absence.

It was a boy. He was sitting on the floral carpet with his legs crossed up under him and a Nintendo in his hands. It took him a minute to notice my presence in the door way but once he did, he looked up at me with these startling green eyes and pushed thick, chocolate curls away from his eyes. I was stuck the moment our eyes locked.

He jumped up, discarding his electronic and letting it topple onto the ground so that he could clasp my hand with the both of his. His happiness, it was amazing. I didn't think that one person could be so happy for no apparent reason. A toothy smile stretched all the way across his face and his eyes glittered, lit up by his own pure energy. Why was he so happy? Had something funny happened? Maybe he was expecting me to be someone I wasn't. Too bad I was going to have to disappoint him. "You're the new kid! The one my dad's going to see!" He exclaimed, my hands still grasped in his.

"Yeah." I shrugged and reclaimed my limb.

"That's so cool. My dad's gonna real help you, I bet. I bet you'll be good as new when he's all done. Good as new."

"There's nothing wrong with me, okay?" I snarled, trying my hardest to seem intimidating.

"Of course not! You're perfect, I know that already about you! We're going to be great friends!" My brother's words scrambled back to me. _Don't get hurt. You know what trusting other people does._

"Shut up, idiot. I hate you."

His face fell or a second, his smile limping into a frown but he recovered shortly and his face became gentle, more accepting. Why on Earth was this guy like this? What was his problem? "You're Lovino." He stated in a soft voice. "That's a pretty cool name, I like it. Want to know mine?"

"I have a feeling you're going to tell me."

"It's Antonio." He boasted, puffing out his chest and twinkling his eyes at me. I noticed his charcoal jacket that had been patched up with a catalog of superheroes.

"Yeah?"

"You bet!"

"So is…your dad going to show up?...Or what? I kind of like to get these things over with quickly."

"He just left for the bathroom. He'll be back in a minute. So, what makes you special?"

"Excuse me?"

"You wouldn't be here if you weren't special." He explained. That's funny. When people ask that question, they always just ask what parts of me are screwed up.

"People think I'm crazy."

"Me too!"

"No your not." Sure, he looked like a total weirdo but guys like him aren't crazy. He's probably a popular kid. Crazy kids aren't popular and they sure as hell aren't happy motherfuckers like this bastard.

"Yeah, but my dad helps me out. I like to do things in odd numbers and I like things to be horizontal but I've been getting better. I don't get so twitchy anymore. Is that your hair? Your _real_ hair? That's amazing! It's so perfectly curved, it's like a gear. It's like a clock gear. I feel like it could just tick away at perfect pace, I can see it. Just _tic tic tic_. Just perfect. It's so nice. So nicely curved. Is it real? It must be, it's too perfect to be fake. It's so nice. Just _tic tic t-_"

"Antonio?" A voice interrupted.

"Dad!" The boy chirped, his attention taking a U-turn.

"Oh, so you've met our new friend." The man said, looking right at me.

"This is Lovino." Antonio put his arm right around me like we were old chums or something. I felt like bashing his teeth in but I settled with my worst scowl.

"Come on now, take a walk."

"Now?" The boy whined.

"Now. "

Antonio grumbled and stuffed his Nintendo into his Amazing Hulk messenger bag then promptly left, as commanded. The man introduced himself as Doctor Carriedo. He possessed the same green eyes but they didn't glitter like emeralds, like Antonio's. They were foggy with a dusty brown and his face didn't make my stomach tingle like Antonio's did. He was calm. He looked like the image you'd find if you searched the definition of the word _doctor._

He let me sit in a fancy blue chair, like the kind you test out in Ikea, only, he actually bought it. His office was pretty nice. It had pictures of all the places he'd traveled to. Antonio was in some of the pictures. He was just a little toddler, a stupid, goofy smile painted across his face. He fascinated me for some reason. I just wanted to stare at him, to see if I could figure him out. The boy was like a master work. His face looked like the creation of an artist who desired nothing more than to free all binds of happiness upon one portrait. He was the kind of person that you just have to stare at…

"So Lovino," Said the doctor, bringing me back from fantasy. "I understand you're in high school now? A freshman?How's that going for you? Are you liking it there?"

"No."

"Why is that?"

"Everyone's an idiot."

"Why do you say that?"

"Look, that's not what you actually want to talk about. You want to know about my brother."

"Well, if you suggest. Why don't you tell me about your brother?"

"Why don't you guys just ask _him_ to come talk to you guys. It's always about him so why am I the one who has to wake up early?"

"So that's it."

"_What's_ it?"

"You feel unimportant. It's always about your brother. No one's asking about Lovino."

"I don't care about that."

"I have a feeling you do."

"Well, you're wrong."

"I went to school for a very long time so I wouldn't have to be wrong."

"Get a refund."

"Do you play any sports, Lovino?"

"Feliciano plays soccer."

"_I didn't ask about Feliciano, I asked about Lovino_."

"No."

"Do you want to?"

"What's it matter?"

"Do you _want_ to play a sport?"

"No. I've got other things to deal with."

"Like what?"

"My brother. He needs me."

"Maybe you could start working towards some more independence between you two."

"Shut up."

"Lovino?"

"I don't need idiots like you trying to tear me and my brother apart. I'm not leaving him and he's not leaving me. Look, I've done this all before. You're not going to change anything so just give up now before you ruin or crumby reputation."

He wasn't fazed. His coolness was ever present and his eyes smiled at me in a way that drove me insane. I wanted him to just frown, for chrissake. "Can I ask you something?"

"You're going to anyways."

"I don't think I'll be able to work with you for quite some time-"

"Duh, I already know that. It's not a question."

"_Patience_. I was going to ask, How do you feel about my son?"

"W-what?"

"He was just in here a few minutes ago. Do you like him? How do you feel about him?"

"I dunno. He's weird. And he talks a lot… and he won't stop smiling at me."

"Good, good." He chuckled. "You have a new therapist, then."

"What!?"

He ignored my question and pulled out his notepad. He scribbled down on it then flashed me a mischievous smile. I don't like mischievous smiles, they always mean that something is going to go bad. I had a feeling he was going to be one of those unethical doctors that you hear about, using strange, out-of-the-box solutions that only work of TV. Maybe he'll want me to hang by my toes and say the alphabet backwards. Whatever it was, I wasn't going to like it.

He asked me to wait then went to talk to my mom, leaving the door only cracked the slightest. I waited and I looked at all the pictures. I knew he was going to give up on me, that's why he was talking to my mom. I don't think I've ever gotten rid of any one in five minutes before. That's a new record.

I found myself staring at the mop-headed toddler again. There was a picture of him on 's desk wearing a foamy Star Trooper costume and holding a pillow case full of candy. He was god damn happy about it. It's a good thing this doctor was quitting me or I might start to like Antonio. He's the kind of bastard that I fall into. I hate that. Those bastards are too nice and I start to think that maybe they won't hurt me but they always do. Antonio is just that kind of person.

"_Lovi_." Came a quite whisper from the doorway. I looked, thinking it might be my mother, but found that it was no one at all. The door seemed to be opened slightly farther than before but I dismissed that as the work of an AC breeze. I continued on looking at pictures until the call sounded again. "_Loviiii!_" This time, I noticed the pudgy boy's face on the ground, poking through the opening.

"Jesus Christ, Antonio!" I shrieked before being shushed. The boy climbed up and came into the room. I don't know why he thought he had to squeeze himself into the same chair as me, it was ridiculous.

"My dad is talking to your mom." He stated, getting his smiley face too close too mine.

"I know."

"Do you know what about?"

"Yeah. He's going to tell her not to bring me back here."

He giggled. "No he's not! He likes you!"

"No he doesn't."

"_Yes he does_!"

"You don't know that."

"Sure I do! We like the same things! _I_ like you so I know my dad does too!"

"Liar."

"No! It's true!"

I farted at him with my tongue and looked everywhere else in the room except into his eyes. Next thing I know, there's a warmth on my cheek and I look over just in time to see that idiot with his lips pursed. "What the hell, Antonio!?" I violently scrubbed off the invisible mark with my sleeve.

"You don't kiss someone that you don't like." He boasted.

"You don't kiss someone you don't know! Jesus, what's your problem!?"

"I like you!"

"Well next time you like someone, show it by giving them a million dollars."

"Are you grumpy? I could give you another kiss-"

"No more kissing! End of story."

"Okay, no more kissing." He agreed. "Hey, do you play Monster Ball Hunter?"

"Yeah."

"Are you any good? I've been chasing this wild Aguamon all day but I can't get it."

"Try using an electric monster."

"Woah, really?"

"Yeah. Have you got a Pikaboo?"

"Yeah!"

"Just zap it until it passes out. It's common sense."

"My dad says I'm not very good at common sense."

"I can tell."

"How?"

"You're an idiot, just like my brother."

"Does your brother like tomatoes?"

"What's that got to do with anything?"

"_I_ like tomatoes. If he's like me, he'll like tomatoes too."

"Well, I think he does. He's more of a fruit guy."

"A tomato is a fruit."

"No it's not! That's stupid!"

"No, it is!"

"Whatever, I don't believe you."

"I bet your brother would believe me."

"Probably, that's what idiots do, agree with each other on idiotic things."

"Where is he?"

"My brother?"

"Yeah."

"At home."

"Why?"

"He doesn't come with me to see doctors."

"I have a sister and she used to come with me when I went to the doctors. Now she lives in Florida."

"Well good for you."

"You could always ask him to come with you."

"No, my mom would get mad at me. We can't bring him places when we meet strangers."

"Why? Is he ugly?"

"No! Idiot! My mom says he just makes a bad impression."

"Does she not like him?"

"I don't think so."

"Why?"

"I dunno."

"Maybe she thinks he's ugly."

"He's better looking than I am."

"I doubt it. Your curl is so perfect, I don't think I've ever seen anything more beautiful."

I felt heat rush to my face. "Don't call a boy beautiful!"

"You sure are picky."

"I'm not! It's common sense!"

"I already told you I'm not good at that!"

"Obviously. You talk a lot too."

"A lot of people say that."

"Because it's true."

"Do a lot of people tell you that you that you're judgy?"

"Judgy isn't a word."

"There you go, being all judgy again."

"Saying it more won't make it a real word." I could hear the radio in the reception room and it was bugging the hell out of me. It kept getting louder, almost blaring. Who the hell keeps turning up? Nobody needs to listen to their talk show that loudly.

"Judgy is a real word because I say it is!"

"No it's not." I dismissed, too distracted to care. I was listening to the radio now. The man was announcing the news in his big radio voice, saying, "_You forgot to let the cat in, I hope you get in trouble for that. It's probably sitting outside and scratching the door. It'll wake up your dad, it'll wake up your brother. Why didn't you just let it in when you woke up? I hope you get in trouble_."

"Lovino? Hey, are you okay?"

"Can you turn off the radio?" I pressed my palms against my ears and winced. I hate the radio, we don't own a single one in our house.

"The radio?" The boy looked around the room, confused. "The one on the reception desk?"

The announcer continued. "You're such an idiot. That cat's going to wake up your brother. That's your only chore, why can't you just remember one little thing?"

"Jesus Christ, Antonio! Will you just turn it off!?" I yelled, shutting my ears at tight as I could which made them hurt.

"Okay, okay." He got up and rushed out the door. He came back in only a moment later and tapped me on the shoulder, saying that he had turned it off.

He looked at me with confusion. "Do you…not like country music?"

"I don't like _any_ radio. You know who runs the radio? You wanna know? _**The president**__."_ I snarled. "He knows the people at Walmart and Target. They talk to each other."

"The president and the grocers?"

"Yes! They watch me and then they tell him all about me. They're always watching me and they tell him about me and my brother. They try to get to me through the radio."

"Lovino? No one is trying to get you. Blake Shelton was singing Austin."

"I have to get home right now." I stood up, my heart racing. "I have to let the cat in before it wakes anyone up."

"What cat!? Lovino!"

Before he could say anything else, I was out the door and speeding down the hall to find my mom. The cat was going to scratch up the door! Even if no one woke up, they'd see the scratches and I'd get in trouble. What if we had to buy a new door! I'd get in so much trouble! Why am I so stupid!? It's one little chore, how did I forget to do one little thing!?

I saw my mom talking to the doctor in the reception room. He was talking to her and showing her his clip board while she nodded. "Mom!" I tugged at her sleeve.

She sighed. "I'm busy right now, Honey."

"Mom, I need to let the cat in."

"What?"

"I forgot this morning. I left without letting it in."

"I saw you let him in, it's alright."

"No! I didn't! I _know_ I didn't! It's going to wake up Dad and Feli!"

"I wouldn't worry about that. Those two are sound sleepers, they'll be fine." She smiled and pet my head with her long nails.

"No! Mom! I have to let the cat in!" Why didn't she get it?! I was going to get in trouble! "Mom! The president is on the radio again and even _he _knows about the cat! If we don't get home soon, he'll tell Dad!"

"Okay, we'll go home in just a minute, alright? I just have to finish talking to Doctor Carriedo real quick. It'll only be five minutes, do you think you can do that for me?"

"Five minutes?"

"Five minutes."

"Okay."

"Okay." She patted my back and I grumpily trudged back into the office where Antonio was waiting for me.

"Are you okay?" He asked the moment he saw me.

"I'm going home. Do you know where my jacket is?" He pointed over to the corner where I had first met him and I retrieved my jacket.

"Are you coming back?"

"Probably not."

"Is it because of the radio? I can just turn it off when you get here."

"No, it's because I don't like doctors and doctors don't like me."

"_I_ like you."

"You'll get over me."

"We should hang out some time."

"No thank you."

"Not even on the weekends."

"Nope."

"Why? Do you have plans?"

"I have plans _every_ day."

"Like what?"

"Like making sure my brother doesn't screw everything up or get picked on or whatever."

"Your brother can hang out with us too, then. I was going to organize my shelves tomorrow but I'll just do it tonight and you can come over tomorrow."

"My brother doesn't want to hang out with you."

"You didn't even ask!"

"Bye, Antonio." I put my hand on the door knob and twisted.

"Come hang out with me tomorrow! I'll give your mom our address."

I left and shut the door behind me. My mom was just finishing up talking to Doctor Carriedo and he was giving her his paper of scribbles. When he saw me, he bent down and smiled.

"Hello Lovino. I'm very glad you visited me."

I ignored him and gave my attention to my mom. "I need to let the cat in."

"Lovino, don't be rude." She corrected.

I rudely huffed and looked back at Doctor Carriedo. "Lovino, I think you should come back to see me every Tuesday and Friday. I think we can really make things better for you."

"What if I don't want to?"

"We all do things we don't want to do but we become better people because of it. I promise that it won't be so bad though. My son Antonio is going to start working with you and you guys will become good friends."

"He's not a doctor though."

"No, but I think he's the key to your treatment. After all, you can't get the pearl if you don't open the oyster."

"What?"

"It means you need a friend."

"I have a friend. A brother's the best kind of friend you can have."

"My whole goal is to open a new door to you, Lovino. I'm not going to ask you to stop being yourself but I _do_ want to see you letting in the world. I want you to be free."

I glared into his eyes for a long time but he wouldn't waver from his relaxed demeanor. "Piss off." I growled and received a good scolding from my mom. She apologized for my behavior but he just laughed it off, assuring her that he wasn't mortally wounded. Doctor Carriedo strode back into his office and Mom checked us out with the receptionist.

"Go say goodbye to Antonio." She instructed just as we were ready to leave.

"I don't want to."

"Go." Her voice turned hard and I knew that the longer I argued, the longer the cat would be scratching on the door so I obeyed. The office door was ajar just an inch or less. I would have opened it had I not overheard the father and son talking about me. I peeked in.

"You know that Lovino is a special boy, right?" The man asked and received a nod. "Well, he's very _extra special_ kind of special. He can see things that you and I can't. He has his own world and that makes it very hard for him to be part of ours."

"Make believe?" The younger asked.

"It's make believe to us but to Lovino, it's all real. You may not ever see the things he sees but as you get to know Lovino, you'll get to know his world. We need to be very understanding with him. I'm going to be asking a lot of you but Lovino needs you."

"He needs me!?" This excited Antonio immensely.

"Exactly. He's got lots of booby traps but I'm sure you can get through. He likes you."

"He likes me!? How do you know?"

"When you're as old as me, you just know."

"I'll do it! I can do it!"

"Of course you can. You're my son, aren't you?"

"Yes!"

Doctor Carriedo ruffled the boy's hair and they went about discussing lunch plans. I ran back out to my mom and we rushed home. Thankfully, the cat hadn't left any scratch marks.

"Lovi?" A familiar voice rang from upstairs once I came in the front door.

"Shut up, Feli! You'll wake up Dad!"

"I'm already up." My father appeared out of the kitchen and exchanged "_hi honey"_s with mom. "I made breakfast."

"Oh! What did you make!?" My little brother came down the stairs in my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles T-shirt. He wasn't answered. He wasn't even acknowledged.

"Dad!" I called, frustrated by their treatment of him.

"Wha?"

"Feli asked what you made." I made eye contact between the full-grown man and the weak child.

"Oh, sorry." He turned around to face Feliciano. "It's French toast, Grandma's recipe."

"Okay!" He replied then went to sit at the table. I followed and sat across from him, as always. "How was the new doctor?"

"Stupid."

"What about his son?"

"Double stupid."

"Are you going back?"

"Tuesdays and Fridays till he gets sick of it."

"Did you do okay there?"

"Yeah, but they had a radio and the president was on."

"How did he find you!?"

"They always know. They're always watching you."

"Geez."

"It's fine."

"Lovino?" My mother called from the other room.

"Yeah?"

"I want you to go to Antonio's house tomorrow."

"But I don't want to!"

"You'll be fine. Dad's going to walk you there so you know the way."

"I already have to see him twice a week, can't we just leave it at that?"

"It's about time you made some friends. I really think it'll help you."

"If I have to go, can I at least bring Feli along?"

"Maybe next time Come on know, pills."

I got up and reported to the kitchen where a bag full of orange bottles awaited me. She sorted out three for me. I took the first two put my brother stopped me before I could slip the next one down. "That one's poison." He warned, pointing at the white capsule.

"This one's poison." I repeated, showing my mother the pill in question.

"No it's not. It's antipsychotic, you take it every day."

"She's lying." Feliciano said. "She made that one poison. Don't take it."

"I'm not going to take it."

"Yes, you will. I'll watch you take it right now or we'll do it the hard way."

"_Don't take it! It's poison!_" My look-alike warned.

"I'm not going to take it."

Then we did it the hard way. "The Hard Way" consists of me kicking and fighting while my dad shoves it down my throat. After that, I have to sit on the kitchen counter so they can keep a close eye on me and make sure I don't gag myself. My dad bandages his fingers , Mom fixes her hair, and they go back to making breakfast. We ate French toast with strawberries and melon then me and Feli did the chores with Mom while Dad went to work. Mom says that cleaning keeps our minds busy and our house tidy so we cleaned the whole house. After that, she took us to go mall walking. She likes to keep us busy. It cuts down on arguments and we're pretty tired by the end of the day.

Me and my brother always get weird looks from strangers. Every once in a while, Someone will stop my mom to make sure we're okay. That annoys her. She says that people should just mind their own business and parent their own children. When I was younger, we used to go to the park all the time but mothers would tell their children not to play with me or just leave the park all together. One time, there was a little girl who played house with both me _**and**_ Feli but her parents put an end to that too. I've never had any friends. It's just me and my brother against the world. We're all we've got.

Mom bought a new "pill purse" at the mall. She likes to change them up so that they match her outfit and look more inconspicuous. I took my medications on time without any more problems…that is… until we saw a familiar face at JC Penney's. "Hey! Lovi!" A perky, dark, head of hair appeared over the top of the rack.

"Oh, Antonio!" My mother greeted with a smile. "How nice to see you again. Is your father here?"

"No. He sent me here to make a return."

"Well, that's very responsible of you."

"Thanks." He gave his attention to me instead. "Lovi! My dad says you're coming over tomorrow! I'm going to pull out the sleeping bags in case you want to stay overnight."

"Well, I don't know if Lovino is ready to stay away from home for so long, Sweety. But-"

"I'm ready. I'm sleeping over." I interrupted. I didn't _want_ to sleep over, I just wanted to smite my mother because I was still pretty sore over The Hard Way this morning.

"Oh! Well, okay then. We'll have to pack you all up tonight. We better get going."

"Nice seeing you, Lovi! You too, Mrs. Vargas! Oh! And…" He looked at my hand that was gripped around my brother's, "Bye Feliciano!" With that, the boy left just as quickly as he had come. My mother seemed stunned that someone had actually addressed Feli. Honestly, I was a little surprised too.

"Is that the boy?" Feliciano asked.

"Yeah. What do you think?"

He was silent for a while before finally answering with, "I don't know."

"I know what you mean."

We left the mall soon after that. At home, we went through the trouble of packing my overnight bag. It had clothes, then extra clothes, then another pair of underwear just in case. Mom wrote up a list of what medications I should take and when. She just kept making lists. She made a list of what foods I can eat, how often I can eat, what we should do in case of emergency, a million emergency phone numbers, and every single bit of my medical information.

She said that, if I did good this time, I could sleep over there more because she trusted Doctor Carriedo. We went out to eat that night and when it was time for bed, I could get to sleep. I stayed awake thinking about the Carriedo kid. I had a feeling he was going to change things for me but I couldn't tell if it would be for better or worse. He certainly was weird. A good weird or bad weird? I wasn't even sure if he was going to hurt me or not. I wasn't sure of anything. For the first time ever, a stranger was trying to come into my world.

Maybe… I could try to let him in.


	2. The Gift of Insecurity

TALKING TO MY SHADOW

_The Gift of Insecurity_

I dreamt that I lived in the sand, only my head popping out. I have no idea why I dreamt that but it was surprisingly relaxing. There wasn't a breeze, it was cool regardless. I sat in the warm, quite, sand and watched the tide breath in and out, slowly. Then, a crab waddled up to my face and pinched my cheek between its grubby claws.

"Go awaaaay!" I howled. It waited for a moment before stretching out and pinching me again. "GO AWAAAY!" This time, I opened my eyes and found my brother leaning over me, his thumb and index in ready position. My scowl became evident.

"Wake up." He ordered.

I sat up just enough to read the glowing, florescent, numbers on the night stand then grumbled and flopped back down. "What could you possibly need at one in the morning?"

"I can't get to sleep."

"Have you tried trying?"

"Yes! I was lying in my bed for like… an hour straight! I was just lying there and staring at the ceiling!"

"Maybe you're sick."

"Sick!? I don't want the doctors to unscrew my eyeballs and rearrange my intestines!"

"Cool it! Just a head cold! You're just stuffy and that's why you can't sleep."

"Let's deal some cards! Come ooonnn!"

"No! It's one in the morning! It's sleeping time!"

"I'll fall asleep right away if you just play a game with me! Just a game of Black Jack or Solitaire! Something small."

"Go to sleep , Feli."

"It's not like you've got anything better to do!"

"SLEEPING."

"Get uuup! Nooow!" He began pounding on me as if he were trying to restart my heart.

"Go away, Feli!"

"Get uuup!"

"Fine! Fine, dammit!" I rolled out of bed and opened my pajama drawer, where my worn away Coca-Cola playing cards were kept. They were held together by a rubber band. I never bothered to put them back in their rightful case because I'm woken up most every night, asked to deal cards with my younger sibling.

We sat with our legs crossed on his bed as I dealed out the leathery paper. I was tired as hell but I knew how to play like the back of my hand. It was almost a thoughtless process like reading or speaking. We played until the game was finally over and Feliciano had won. That's the only way that you can make him stop playing because if he loses, he'll ask for rematch after rematch. He let me go back to bed only to be woken up again at six, which is considered by him to be an appropriate time to start the day. I fuck'n hate early risers.

I let the Skitz, the cat, inside and made fried eggs for the two of us. Mother was home. She's always home. She doesn't go to work because she needs stay with me and my brother all day or I won't take my pills and he'll do something stupid. I spent all day playing Monster Ball Hunters until she made me get up and be active. Usually, we would walk down to group therapy on the weekends but I was kicked out a few weeks ago. They sent me home with a note that simply said: _Dear Mr. and Mrs. Vargas, Your son regularly throws blunt objects and uses foul language to taunt the other patients. Because of this, we will no longer be inviting him to our sections. We cannot help those who will not let themselves be helped. Our sincerest regrets, The Psychiatric committee of Columbus, North Carolina. _That was the day I threw that crumby folding-chair across the room.

Now, instead of organized therapy, we go to the park. Mom says that fresh air will do me good, even if I just sit in it. We go out every day for an hour or two; I've memorized when the old women in their tight track clothes will come jogging through, when the little kids will take turns pushing each other into the sand pit, and when Hobo Jacob will wheel his cart around the fountain. I know the park. I know how it will look when it's been rained on or lost all of its lush leaves. I know when it's grass will die, when it will grow, when the lights will turn on, when the colors will change. I know all aspects of its life because I sit on the same bench every day and watch it all happen.

Feliciano gets nervous at the park. He sits with me sometimes but all he ever does is fidget and tell me that he thinks someone is trying to shoot him. Sometimes, he's so convinced that it gives me the willies too and we have to go home. Feli is a real twitchy guy. I've learned to trust his instinct though, because when he says that something bad is going to happen, it most always does. "What do you think about me going over Antonio's today?" I asked as we sat crisscross in the park, pulling up dead grass.

"I don't think he's a bad guy but… I think he'd hurt you without ever knowing that he had."

"He's an idiot, I can tell that much."

He laughed. "You say that about everybody"

"Antonio especially."

"I think you like him."

"What? No I don't!"

"Now I think you're lying."

"Shut up."

"Lovino, I _know_ you. You're playing the dangerous game of possibilities."

"No I'm not! I don't want any friends. They're all fakers."

His hand was placed on top mine gently and he gave me his serious face. "You're not going to say it, I know you better than to expect that but I want you to remember than I'm not going to let you get hurt. You go be friends with him if you want but don't think anything more of it."

"Of course not." I dismissed. "I don't even like him."

The grip on my hand tightened and he waited for me to meet his eyes again before speaking. "You'll break your own heart long before he does-"

"Look, I don't even swing that way, Feli." I retrieved my hand and stood up. I was a pretty frustrated that he kept pressing the subject. I wished that he'd just let it go already.

He stood up as well and draped his arms around me. "You'll always have me, right? That's all we need." He whispered, disintegrating my anger.

"Yeah." Feliciano never leaves me. He never hurts me. Why would I ask for anything else? I can't possibly be that selfish. He's given me everything, he's given me life. It could just be the two of us, living in our own little world forever. I took his hand and we walked back home.

I left for Antonio's around three, when my dad got home. I had one backpack that carried my toothbrush, my clothes and a jacket while the other backpack was the one my mom had packed full of prescriptions.

"You think you'll be okay?" My dad asked.

"Yeah."

"The whole night by yourself?"

"_I'll be fine_, Dad."

"You've got your toothbrush?"

"Yup."

"And you're pills and all?"

"Yup."

"And you've got your phone, right?"

I pulled it out of my pocket and showed him. He continued to blabber on, reminding me that I should call him and mom if anything happens or if I feel uneasy. He told me over and over to call if I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. I reassured him that I was fine.

Two million questions later, we arrived at Antonio's house. It was the curly-headed child himself who answered the door. "Hey, Lovi! I've been waiting for you! Welcome to my house-"

He was interrupted when his father pushed him aside and took up my dad's hand. Dr. Carriedo assured him that I would be fine but Dad went over all the precautions with him anyways. Before he left, he made me look in his eyes and assure him for the last time that I was going to call if I needed anything. I was allowed inside and was instantly trampled by the boy. "Are those your bags? You can put them in my room, it's upstairs. Come on, I'll show you." I swear, he could move his lips at the speed of light. Once the last syllable had left his mouth, he took my hand and began dragging me upstairs. His father stopped us, reminding Antonio to be gentle and to calm down.

He opened his door proudly. At first, I thought that I must be looking at some sort of shrine but then I noticed the bed and dresser. "Holy crap, Antonio! This is your room?" The place was perfect, like he had taken a level and made sure of it. The shelves and desk tops all laid at a perfect one-hundred-and-eighty degrees, dusted and cleaned meticulously. His sheets were plain tan, folded up so that each crease would be a straight line, the perfect distance from the crease above and below it. The books on his book shelf weren't arranged by alphabetic order but by height. His shoes were lined up so that no heel was an inch behind another. The pure order of his room was unsettling. It was the very definition of compulsive. Everything was in order. Everything was right. I didn't even want to step inside for fear of unbalancing its feng shui.

"Come in." He beckoned to me because I was still standing the door way like an idiot. I complied, feeling out of place and studying the strange surroundings. "You can leave your bags riiiiiiiight…here." He decided, pointing to the area under his desk.

"What's with your bed?" I asked and set down my bag.

"What? What's wrong with it?" His voice hinted at a contained panic.

"It's so…dull." Everything in his room was a varying shade of the rainbow except for his dirt-colored sheets.

"Oh, well, I used to have a red bed set but when ever I woke up, It would look like I was covered in blood and I'd freak out."

"That's a valid point, I suppose. Stupid, but valid."

"Thanks." He stared at the bed for a long time, eying it up and down to be sure that nothing was wrong. "Hey, you wanna know something!?" He cried, breaking out of his trance.

"Uh, sure. What?"

"Steph is gonna come visit me on Tuesday."

"Who's Steph?"

"Stephanie. My sister, the one who lives in Florida. She's bringing her new boyfriend." He turned around and grabbed a picture off his shelf. "This is her."

"You two don't look a lot alike."

"She's from my dad's other marriage. We have different moms."

"Where's _your_ mom?"

"Canada, I think. Or maybe Wisconsin. She and Steph really didn't like each other so she left. Actually, a lot of things didn't work out for her." He returned the frame to its rightful place on the shelf.

"Oh… Sorry."

"Don't be. _You_ didn't make her go. She left because _she _wanted to. I don't even remember her real well."

"People just say sorry when they hear something bad."

"Why?"

"I dunno. That's just what you're supposed to do."

"That's weird."

"I know but that's how it is."

"Well, let's make a pact to never say sorry about bad stuff because bad stuff just happens, it's not anybody's fault."

"Alright." I offered him my pinky, a ritual practiced by me and my brother when solidifying a promise. He accepted and we shook. "Hey, is that yours?" I gestured to the schedule on the wall, regulating when certain prescriptions and therapies would be admitted.

"Yeah. My dad put it there." He ran a finger down the list and smiled. "It bugs me when I forget things so this is pretty useful."

"I have one too." For some reason, it blew my mind how much Antonio was like me. He seemed so normal but he did all the same things I did. We even took some of the same prescriptions.

"My dad says that you're special too."

"I don't know if anybody really calls it _special_."

"My dad does and I do too. I'm _compulsive_, that means I like things a certain way and I get bent out of shape sometimes if things aren't that certain way."

"I'm just crazy. I've got the crazies in my head and doctors need to give me pills so I don't do nothing too dumb."

"That's why you came to see my dad?"

"Yeah. My antipsychotics aren't really working for me anymore. They did in the beginning but now they just make my legs twitch all the time. My mom said that we're moving doctors because we need therapy more than pills. You're dad was recommended."

"He's really good, I promise! I used to be compulsive real bad but he got me to settle down. It all works out okay."

I looked around his room. "_**This**_ is settled down?"

"It is! I fall into a category of compulsion that Dad calls _counters and arrangers_. He has me do a lot of things like this." He pulled a list out of his desk drawer. On it was written things like: I ate too much cereal for breakfast. One of my shoe laces is shorter than the other. The amount of jackets I have isn't divisible by three. Mom left because she thinks I'm a psycho. There are four tomatoes in the bowl on the counter, there should be three. The book I got from the library is missing a page. "When I get a though that I can't stop thinking, I write it on here and I decide if it's a reasonable concern or if I'm just being obsessive. Then I cross it out and tell myself to stop thinking about it."

He was so calm about it, so in control. I wished I could be like him. He showed me his list of things that were torturing him day-to-day but he acted like he was reading off the groceries. I started to think about his cocoa hair and his copper skin. My eyes found his. They were so bright and inviting. I wanted to keep looking, they were so beautiful…I didn't catch myself until they lifted up and locked into mine. I quickly distracted myself.

"Were you looking at me?" He asked calmly.

"No, stupid! Why the hell would I want to look at _your_ ugly eyes?"

"So you were looking at my eyes?"

"No!" My heart was pounding for some unfathomable reason and my face washed with pink.

"I think your eyes are very nice too. They remind me of honey."

"Shut up!"

"What? Don't you like honey?"

"Yeah but guys don't talk about other guys eyes! That's girly shit!"

" Alright. I won't talk about your eyes if you don't want me to."

"Good." My heart was beating so fast, I though I might pass out. Why the hell was this happening to me? I was getting so screwed up, I considered calling my dad right then and there but for some reason, I didn't want to. I wanted to stay and face the possibility that it might get worse. I knew I'd get more screwy the longer I was around this almost-stranger, but I still didn't want to leave. It's like having fun when you're doing something your not supposed to, a secret thrill. I _should have _left… but I just didn't want to.

"You want to play Monster Ball Hunters? I have the Play Station version." He offered, sensing that I was uncomfortable.

"Yes!" I practically jumped at the offer. I love that game and I wanted to play it with him. Something about his charisma enticed me from the very beginning. I was falling into him and I barely new it at the time.

We played that damn game for three hours and they were the most fun hours of my life. I kicked his puny ass most of the time and we joked around. I have to say, he has a sense of humor which is surprising, seeing as he's such an idiot. Time just blew away until we were called down for dinner.

We ate pasta, probably because Dr. Carriedo didn't know what to make and he knew we were an Italian family. Put the two together and pasta is the clear solution. Not that I'm complaining or anything. I fuck'n love pasta.

"So Lovino." The man set down his fork. "You go to Whiteville High school, correct?"

"Home of the wolf pack." I confirmed.

"Antonio's transferring there, did you know that?"

"Yeah, my mom had said something about it."

"That's right, I told her, didn't I? Do you like it there?"

"It's alright."

"Are the classes good?"

"Sure, I guess."

"They've got a soccer team? Antonio played soccer at his old school."

"Did you really?" I looked across the table at the boy. He nodded. "Ya any good?"

"Enough." He shrugged.

"Well, enough will work for us." I shoved a forkful of spaghetti into my mouth. "Our team sucks, we could use some Spanish blood out on the field."

"Aren't Italians the ones famous for soccer?" His father pointed out.

"You'd think." I chucked. "There's a very small community of Italians at that school and none of them are any good…well, except for Feliciano but he won't play on the team. Even _he_ doesn't want that kind of embarrassment."

"Join with me then!" Antonio suggested.

"What? No way! I'm not any good at sports!"

"I'll teach you! We live close to each other anyways."

"I'm just not a sporty guy. No amount of practice would make me into Giuseppe Meazza."

"Are you afraid?"

"Shut up! Of course not!"

"You sound like you're afraid~" He teased.

"You wanna fight, Fruit loops!?"

"_Boys, __**boys**__."_ cut in, forcing his giggling son to tighten his lips and me to return my ass to the chair. "Finish your dinners and talk about something else."

Antonio forced a fistful of pasta into his mouth. "I like your hair. How do you get it like that?"

"It's a cowlick, it just sticks out on its own."

"For real? No hair gel or anything?"

"_For real_."

"Have you ever tried sticking it down?"

"I try not to mess with it." Feliciano hates when I mess with it. He tells me that people are going to think that I'm trying too hard or that I'm being a faker. Once, I went against him and flattened it. That day was terrible. Everybody on the TV kept telling me how ugly I look and I heard people whispering about me, planning to tell the president that I'm a faker. It's best if I just let it be.

We blabbered on about the most ridiculous things. At one point, the conversation took a turn towards Monster Ball Hunters and never went back. forced us away from the table because he couldn't stand to hear the name Peekaboo once more. We moved to Antonio's room and he showed me his monster tracking book. It listed every monster in existence by alphabetical order, stats and all. We sat on his bed and laid it on our laps. "This one's super cool." I pushed my pointer finger against the picture of a high lever aguamon. "I had one of these on my old game, it was my key to kicking boss ass."

"But this one…" Two big, tan, hands took mine and slid it across the page until it pointed to a different monster. "Evolves way cooler." My heart picked up instantly, especially because his hands remained clamped around mine.

"You can let go of my hand." I reminded him.

"Oh! Yeah, sorry."

"Whatever." I flipped the page, hoping to draw attention away from my cheeks. "I had one of these things. All you can do with it is squirt people in the face, it's so lame."

He laughed. I almost choked on my breath, realizing for the first time how nice his laugh is. "That was my first monster."

"Mine was a Grassimon. It was the only thing I could manage to capture so I named it Ugly FuckFace."

This caused more laugher so in return, my face flushed harder. When he got his breath back and looked at me, he became concerned. "Holy Cow, are you okay? You're so red."

"I'm fine." I dismissed, not meeting his eyes.

"Do you…have to use the restroom?" He whispered, turning my face its deepest shade yet.

"No! Piss off, Antonio!"

"Then what's wrong? Are you sick?"

"I'm fuck'n fine!"

His smile softened and once again, my hand was cover by his. "Was it this?"

I quickly pulled my hand away. "Leave me alone!" I closed the book but didn't leave. It was my own tainted soul that was keeping me at his side. Deep down, there's an evil part of me that knows greed, wrong doing, and lust. That part of me is the part that makes me crazy.

Our eyes became connected. I couldn't have separated my gaze from his even if I wanted to. I felt myself being held by all my repressed desires for attention. My soul wanted to feel cared for and his wanted to give care, it was a connection bound by nature's will. We couldn't have stopped.

His hand cupped my cheek softly. He was so gentle, as if afraid to hurt me. My hair prickled with excitement. I was falling hard and fast, loosing more and more control each second. I felt my face slowly pulled toward his. My eye lids fell and then there was the sensation of lips rubbing against mine. He was careful at first, barely touching me, until he became sure that I wasn't going to fade away and the kiss became real.

I let him kiss me for a long time, the seconds slipping right on by, even when I begged them to wait. He held me around my waist and continued to show me quiet, calm, affection. I didn't know it was over until he pulled away and opened his eyes. I just stared at him as my brain struggled to catch up after its dormant sleep. Once it did, the trance shattered right down the middle.

My eyes turned from foggy calmness to terrified horror in an instant and I jumped off the bed. What had I done?! Yesterday, we were innocent strangers and now I find myself on his bed, letting his hands run up my sides. There must have been a time when it all went wrong. How did everything change? How did a doctor's visit become complete insanity? How did this boy work his way past my barriers so quickly? How was he so…so… uugh…

How did I get here?

"Lovi! Please, calm down." His face mirrored mine but his horror wasn't caused by the guilt of kissing another boy. He only became panicked when I showed resistance.

I violently rubbed the proof away from my lips, not knowing what else to do. His face was so scared, only because he knew he had hurt me. My head was spiraling into a psychotic episode. The voices came back, brutally harsh with their criticism.

"_You're such an idiot_." One said, practically spitting on me. They all followed in an avalanche. "_You're so stupid, I can't believe you." "Filthy whore. Is that what you want people to think of you? That you sleep around with strangers?" "Oh my God, I didn't think he could possibly be so stupid." "I hate you, you're terrible." "I hope you're proud of yourself, you idiot." "Look what you've done now. You did this to yourself." "Just die. They're all going to know what you've done." "Everyone will know." "Feliciano will know. He's going to hate you. Why are you such an idiot." "Just go away, you make me sick!" "You're disgusting." "You did this to yourself!"_

I tried blocking my ears but that only kept the voices in. They all called me an idiot and asked if I really thought that would stop them. They continued, bombarding me with hate. "Lovino! Stop!" He cried.

"SHUT UP! I HATE YOU!" I screamed at him. "I HATE YOU,LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!"

Hard footsteps thumped up the stairs and the door opened wide. walked in on a sight he had not expected. His son sat on the bed in panic while I stood in the middle of the room with my ears blocked, my eyes watering, and my lip bleeding badly. It took him a moment to gather himself then he took a blanket off Antonio's bed and draped it over my shoulders. He led me out of the room carefully, the voices screaming in my head all the while.

"_Just die! What's wrong with you!?" "We don't want to anymore! You're better off dead!" "It'll save everyone a lot of trouble if you just disappeared." "We're so sick of you!" "You disgust me! I hate you! I hope you die!" "You're such an idiot! You did this to yourself!" "I hate you!" "We all hate you." "Just go away." "Good ridden." "We don't want such filthy trash around here." "Just die already."_

I was taken down stairs and left in the living room, shivering and crying while made a call in the kitchen. Antonio came racing down the stairs behind us. He sent me an apologetic look on the way to his father, who had just hung up the phone. "What the hell happened?" His father demanded sternly.

"Just let me talk to him! He'll be alright!"

" Antonio, he won't just be alright! He's having a violent episode! You are, _under no circumstance_, permitted to go _**near**_ him! Now tell me what the hell happened!"

"He liked it!"

"_**Antonio Fernandez Carriedo! **__What did you do to that boy!?" _

"_He's going to tell." The voices assured me. "Everyone is going to know. He's going to tell on you." "Everyone will finally see what a disgusting faggot you really are." "You're terrible." "Every one is going to know!" "You're a sex-crazed prostitute! They're going to put your cheap ass in jail!" "Watch out, the police are coming to get you!" "So stupid." "You're going to jail, idiot."_

"I kissed him! He was looking at me with those eyes and I couldn't help it, Dad!"

"_Forget about jail, you're going to Hell." "That's were all sinners go, including you." "Oh my god, you're so stupid." "Burn in Hell, I hate you."_

"Antonio! I thought I could trust you! He's a very sensitive, scared, and sick boy, Antonio! Why on Earth would you think it was a god idea to do that to him!?"

"I'm sorry! I couldn't help it! I couldn't! He's just so-"

"His father will be here in just a minute and _you're_ going to be the one who explains why his son is experiencing a living Hell right now." He let out a heavy sigh. "I thought you knew better."

"I'm sorry…"

"We'll talk about it later."

Pinches began to attack my body, causing pain to spring around like a pinball machine. It was the voices, they were punishing me. My screaming instantly attracted the attention of . "It's okay Lovino. Try to calm down. It's okay." He rubbed a hand up and down my back and ordered his son to fetch my bags. "What help do you need, Lovino? What can I do to make you feel comfortable?"

"_He's trying to kill you." "He hates you." "You screwed around with his son, he's going to kill you." "Don't let him near you, Idiot!" "You're so stupid!" "He's a doctor! He's going to kill you and take out the crazy!" "You're a psycho! He knows!" "Get away from him!" "He wants to kill you!"_

I slapped his hand away from me hard and gave him my most intimidating glare. He backed up. "It's okay. It's okay, Lovino. I'm not trying to hurt you."

"Get away from me!" I hissed. He obeyed and moved across the room. "You're going to take my brain and you're going to… my insides will get so messed up that I'll get a really bad head ache and my brother will be angry with me! You think that you can kill me because you have a piece of paper with your name on it! I don't want you to take out my crazies and out and in a sauce pan! Just get away from me! You're not the king!" When I looked up at the man , he was holding a butcher knife and I could see his brain thinking about cutting me open.

I began to scream again and the pinching started back up. The voices told me to shut up. I was being too much of a pain and it was bothering them. They all hated me and made sure to tell me that. There was pounding on the door. "_Some one's here!" "It's the police! You're going to jail!" "Don't answer the door." "They know you're in here!" "The police have guns. They're going to kill you!" "Don't answer the door!" "You're so stupid." "The police are going to take you to hell. It's all your fault, Whore." "Good going." "Don't get the door!" _

Antonio was the one who got the door in a quick dash. It wasn't the police, it was my parents. "_They __**are**__ police, you idiot!" "They're in on it!" "They know!" "Don't let them get to you! They're going to poison you!"_

"Lovino!" My dad took the medicine bag and fumbled to open it. He pulled out a bag of needles.

"_Don't let him do that! He's getting your Haloperidol! It's poison!" "He's in on it! He hates you for being such a disgusting whore." "He'd rather have no son than a filthy, worthless one." "Don't let him get to you, Stupid!"_

I tried to fight, hoping that if I appeased the voices, they'd stop. They kept calling me stupid and telling me that he was trying to kill me. Finally, my father and managed to pin me down long enough for my mother to get the shot in_. _The voices died down quickly and the pinches softened until I couldn't feel them anymore. Actually, I couldn't feel much of anything. It's always so nice and quite after my shot.

Antonio was called over to give my parents the explanation they desired. "I'm so sorry." He started. "We were hanging out in my room talking about Monster Ball Hunters and he was saying that-"

"Come on, Antonio." His father urged, his arms crossed.

"I kissed him." The boy confessed. My parents shared a slight gasp. "We were looking at each other and it just… _happened_. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt him like this. I forgot he was special, he just seems so… perfect. It's my fault, _I'm sorry_."

My parents told him that it was okay and that this is just the way I am. They said they knew he didn't mean any harm but he has to be careful because I'm _not_ a normal boy. Then, they gave him a good long scolding, telling him why he couldn't be romantic with me and how I would get sucked into simple signs of affection so easily.

They took me home, trying to ask me about the night's activities but I didn't give them anything. By the time I got in the door, I had been worn out by my episode so I tiredly stomped up to my room. I opened the door and there was a boy sitting on my bed with the same shaggy brown hair and golden eyes as me. He was angry as all hell and it showed. Fear coursed through my body. "I'm glad you're home. We need to talk."

Shit. I had a feeling this was going to be a terrible night.


	3. The Gift of a Broken Heart

TALKING TO MY SHADOW

_The Gift of a Broken Heart_

"It's a beautiful morning." My mother coaxed and pulled opened the blinds in the kitchen, letting the sunlight seep through the room. I sat at the table, my eyes trained into my lap. "Lovino, look outside."

I did. It was bright. I let my eyes travel over to my mother's sympathetic smile. "I'm sorry about yesterday."

"It's fine." I mumbled. She walked over to me and tenderly pulled my long sleeves up to my elbows, exposing my bandaged arms. She unwrapped them until the cuts were clearly visible.

"I don't think any of them are infected, that's certainly good news." The red streaks were inflamed and the skin around them was stained pink. "We'll clean them once more, just to be sure, alright?"

I didn't answer. I just wanted to sit there for a while and maybe even fall asleep. It had all happen last night. I got home and my brother was there, pissed as hell. He was the one who told me where the knife was and guilted me into it. He only wants to help me, sometimes through support and other times through punishment. I don't blame him, I have to learn. He only does it because I'm too stupid to learn without some incentive. I need him. He keeps me from getting hurt.

Please don't judge him harshly. He only hurt me because I was going to hurt myself worse. He did it because he loves me. Feliciano watches out for me, he makes sure I stay in line. He knows that without him, I'd lose it big time. People say I'm crazy now but without Feliciano, I'd be a nut job. I'm so good at being deceived that it gets me in a big lot of hurting, like last night for example. I just lost it. I don't know why I let him kiss me in the first place, it's not like I wanted him to. My head was screwy, that's why it happened. He did that to me. He messed with me.

My mother dabbed the peroxide onto my arm and reported what she had read about the weather. According to The Weather Channel, it would be cool and breezy, small chances of precipitation later in the day. It could flood for all I care. I wouldn't mind a hurricane or twister or something. I wouldn't mind if this whole place were blown away, in fact, I would appreciate the break. There are things here that I'd prefer just go away, like Antonio. That's the only way I could get him out of my life.

"You're going to talk to Antonio today." That got my attention.

"What!?" I jerked my arm which only caused the peroxide to sting more.

"I'm sorry, Lovino. Me and Dad thought very hard about it and we think that this is the right thing to do." She opened a new role of gauze. "It's going to get worse before it gets any better but let's face it, Antonio is the only person who's ever been able to open you up this far. I think…_We know_ that he's our best hope of making you better. He's the one who'll be able to make all of _this_ go away." As she said this, she gestured to the tallies across my wrists.

"_He's_ the one who did this!" I corrected but her glare told me that I was wrong.

"_**You**_ did this. _This_ is why you two need to get things figured out. If we don't get you help, you'll keep doing this and die. Or worse, you'll be miserable your whole life."

"I don't mind being miserable. It's not so bad."

"Lovino, I want so much more for you" She took my face in her hands and looked at me like a mother looks at her precious child. "You're sick but that's not all you are. _I know that_. That's why I want you to talk to that boy. I want you to get better so you can live your beautiful life without limits." I let her hug me and I even hugged her back. I love my mother. I know it doesn't seem like I do but I love her.

She kissed my forehead and finished wrapping my arm, explaining that they had already talked to Antonio and that we were meeting at the park around three under secret supervision (incase anything were to go wrong). She even helped me pick out an outfit that would cover my arms. I spent my day trying to _de_-depress myself by weeding the garden. I can get in a crumby mood pretty easily but all it takes is a pep talk, a handful of pills, and a little busy work to get me out of it. Feliciano joined me a little later, carrying Skitz, the cat, in his arms. Skitz jumped free once he saw me and made his way to the pile of discarded roots. He likes to eat them.

"How are you?" My brother asked.

"I'm fine."

"Weeding?"

"Yeah."

"Cool."

There was a moment of silence so he settled it by sitting beside me and lazily tugging on a root. "I heard that you're going to be seeing Antonio again today."

"That's the plan."

"You're not scared?"

"What? Of Antonio?"

"Yeah."

I scoffed. "That's like being afraid of a marshmallow."

"A marshmallow with lips."

A blush came over my face. "That wasn't anything."

"You just had an episode because you felt like it?"

"Maybe."

"It's out of cycle. You can usually go a few months without an episode and even then, you can see the progression as you slip back. I have a hard time believing that you just flipped without some serious prompting."

"You know what happened. Why are you asking me about it?"

"I want to talk about it."

"Well, _I_ don't."

"I'll pull your hair if you keep being so stubborn and you know I'm not lying so just tell me."

"What do you want to know?"

"Why you kissed him."

"I didn't! _He _kissed _me_!"

"Why didn't you snap his neck? You would've if it were anyone else."

"Because…well, you wouldn't understand. You're just a kid and this is adult business."

He roughly grabbed a fistful of my hair and yanked it as hard as he could. "Okay! Okay! Let go!" I yelped. He obeyed. "I didn't fight him because I didn't want to. My brain just shut down."

"Do you love him?"

"No! God, Feliciano!"

"Don't get pissy with _me_! _You're_ the one falling in love with a stranger!"

"I'm not falling in love!"

"Lovino, I'm not an idiot. I know what it's called when you kiss someone's lips and go all rosy."

"I'm pretty sure it's called being impaired."

"Just listen to me. _Don't get over your head. This will never amount to anything. It's not worth it for the pain and effort."_

"_I __**know**_, Feliciano!" At this point, I was involuntarily yelling.

"Do you? Because, from what I can see, you can't control yourself around that boy. I think you're all… what's that word…twitterpated!"

"You don't even know what that word means."

"It means that you're all screwed up in brain because you're in love but you don't know it."

"Did you come out here just to be a pain in my ass?"

"No. I wanted to watch you weed."

"That's, like, the most boring thing ever."

"I don't think it's so boring."

"Fine. Do whatever you want, you weirdo."

It was silent as he just sat and watched. Knowing my brother, I knew he couldn't keep him mouth shut for more than five minutes. "What are you guys going to talk about?"

"Stuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

"I'm busy, Feli. Go away."

"_What kind of stuff_?"

"I don't know! Whatever Mom wants me to talk about! Probably feelings n' shit."

"What if he wants to talk about the kiss?"

"I thought we had dropped that."

"I'm just preparing you! Here, we'll do some role playing. You be you and I'll be Antonio." For some reason, he had to make this big, stupid, face to feel in character. It was pretty accurate.

"This is stupid."

"What is?" He was even dropping his voice an octave.

I sighed. "Oh, Antonio. I didn't see you there."

"I want to talk about the kiss." He demanded instantly.

"Of course you do."

"I still want to kiss you."

"Not going to happen."

"But whyyy!? I love you!"

"Okay, first of all, he would never say that!" Feliciano broke character as well.

"Well, I wasn't aware that I was in the presence of an Antonio expert!"

"You're a doofus!"

My mother broke in, popping her head out the door. "Are you alright out here?"

"We're fine, Mom."

"Well… maybe you ought to come in now. I don't want you passing out or anything."

"I feel fine."

"It's lunch time anyways."

My stomach grumbled in response. That was incentive enough for me to get off my ass and go inside for a bowl of leftover ziti.

Me, Mom, and Feli all ate together. Me and my brother bickered on about our previous business, our mom watching us and becoming more concerned as the argument continued. "Lovino, sweetie, come back. Talk to me for a while, okay?" She prompted. If I hang out with Feliciano for too long, she'll tell me to "come back" or "zone in", as if I'm just floating away.

"Okay."

"So, are you okay with talking to Antonio today? Is there any topic you want to practice? Any questions you want to be prepared for?" That seems to be all anybody thinks about.

"I'm fine. We're just going to talk, right?"

"Right. There's no need to be worried."

"I'm not. _You_ are."

"It's going to be okay."

"_I know_, Mom."

"I know, I know. I'm sorry. I'm just nervous."

"I can tell."

"Dad and me will be there. You won't see us but we'll be watching so if anything happens, we'll be ready."

"Mom, _I'm not worried._"

She watched me with big, doe eyes, not believing my words. She politely whipped her mouth, whispered an "Of course." And took her dishes to the kitchen. Unfortunately, that wasn't the end of the conversation. She badgered me all day with reminders that Feliciano had to stay at home and little inspirational quotes about believing in myself.

Dad got home sooner than I wanted him too. I was torn in half about the whole thing, quite honestly. Half of me wanted to see him. It wanted to talk to him and see his emerald eyes smile back. The other side of me wanted Antonio to run far, far away so I would never have to kill myself with temptation and hypocritical desires again. Mostly, I just wanted more time but I knew that the more time I was given, the more deluded my thoughts would become and I wouldn't be able to talk to him, even if I wanted to. I took a deep breath and buried away those thoughts as we left the house.

He was already at the park once we got there. He knew I was there, I could tell by the way his body shifted but he continued to mind his own by sitting on the bench and twiddling a weed between his fingers. I walked up to him and stopped a few feet away, forcing him to acknowledge my presence.

He looked up, imposing those startling green orbs on me again. He didn't burst into joy or grab me this time. In fact, he looked like a rainy day, solemn and silent with the exception of his invitation to sit on the bench beside him, which I accepted. He gave me the weed he was playing with (as if I actually wanted to hold a piece of trash) before picking himself a new one.

The next ten minutes consisted of blaring silence and the boy staring with deep though at his up-rooted twig. He was thinking about something awful hard, I could tell. It didn't look right on him. He was making the kind of look that was patented by frustrated, forty-year-old, cubicle works who hate their bosses and have a constantly eroding head of hair. It didn't suit him at all.

Sometimes, he would take a promising breath, as if he were going to speak but he'd always decide against it. He peeled each thin fiber off his twig. The boy was nervous. I'm not sure that I'd ever seen him act this way. He's so outgoing but now he was acting like a child trying to confess wrongdoing.

"Lovino?" He finally said, breaking the exhausting stillness between us.

"Yeah?"

"Yesterday…" Here it comes. I almost winced a little. He didn't have the courage to finish his though for a good, long, awkward time. Since he was the only one making an attempt at conversation, I let him have all the time he wanted. "Yesterday… You said that you hated me." It wasn't a question, it was a fact. I stood in his room, looked in his eyes and told him that I hated him. All of the sudden, I felt like I had actually hurt the boy made of elastic. I had assumed he'd just bounce back without feeling a thing. "I don't want you to hate me but…_more than that_, I don't want you to hate yourself. That's why we're here after all, isn't?"

I grunted. I wish I had something to say that wasn't so shitty.

"I just wanted to say that… I'm sorry. It wasn't my intention at all. I should have been thinking, I should have known. I should have done a better job of watching out." My heart sped up. He said all the same things as my mother did but when _he_ said them, they got a whole different meaning. For some reason, when he said those words, I felt like he honestly meant it. I always get the same, old, shitty, apologies from people when they find out how sick I am but _this boy_… he didn't sympathize with me. He gave my empathy and understanding. After getting sappy, jumbled sorrys my whole life, it was refreshing to see someone who actually comprehended what they were apologizing for.

"But, Lovino, look at me." He asked and I obliged, meeting the familiar eyes. "I'm sorry for everything I did but I'm _not_ sorry about kissing you."

I wasn't expecting that. He had been so reserved and shy up until now and just all of the sudden he completely owned up to our moment of weakness. I hope he didn't notice how my eyes widened. The next thing I knew, words were just dribbling out of my mouth. He had a few seconds of insane courage left in him, so he followed up that last though. "When I did that… I knew I was doing it….so… I can't apologize for it. It was totally selfish, I know. I apologize for the selfishness at least."

"Whatever, I don't…whatever, it's fine." A poet, I am not. When being compared to his brilliant gesture of bravery, my words were just dirt but he accepted them as a full-fledged confession.

That quirky smile bounced onto his face. My stutters had some sort of hidden value to him that I just couldn't see. In a split second, his characteristic cheerfulness filled him once again. I admit, I was relieved. "So… does that mean that you hate me…_not because of the kiss_?"

"I hate you because of everything."

That bastard knew when I was lying. He chuckled to himself and told me that I was right to think that way. "So, were you okay? After you left?"

I did my best not to show any change in emotion. "Yeah."

Of course, he's a mind reader. His smile flattened and his face became one of worry. "What happened?"

"Nothing. I went home and went to bed."

"What _actually_ happened?"

"I already told you. Nothing." I felt myself become nervous.

"Lovino, you're acting like something happened. Look at yourself. That's not the face you make when nothing's happened."

"_Nothing happened_." I insisted, rubbing at my arm as tensions grew. This little twitch did not go without the instantaneous attention of the Spaniard.

He laid a hand gently on the arm and asked if he could see. Dammit, he knew. No matter what I said, he already knew. I said yes as quietly as I could with the hope that he wouldn't have heard me but judging from the way he gingerly tugged up my sleeve, he did.

I thought he was dead for a while afterwards. He just stared at the bandages and didn't budge. He traced a finger along the wrap for a while and I was too terrified of his silence to stop him. "What's under?" He asked, his voice drenched in sadness. I didn't know that anybody could feel compassion so purely.

"Cuts." I mumbled, my eyes following his finger.

He was quite again for a while. "_You_ did it?"

I nodded and he amazingly sensed the motion.

"But not on your own. It was Feliciano, wasn't it?"

"He didn't do anything." I defended. I had a feeling he would jump to that conclusion. He knew everything.

He took his finger off me and curled it into his fist. He was angry, an emotion he had never shown me before. It was mind-blowing. How could someone be angry and still make me want to fall into them for safety? I must be really screwed up. "He may have not been the one who put the knife down but he was a part of it, I know it. I know that you wouldn't do something like this on your own."

"Who says? You don't know what I'm like." I always used that as an excuse. Being sick made me unpredictable. I was hard to read. Honestly, I'm just hard to care about. I've never blamed anyone for giving up on me.

"I know that you're sensitive. Your heart is weak, it's easily persuaded…especially in times of sadness."

"Piss off, Carriedo." I spat. I didn't have any intention of falling for him again. He's impossible. Just when I think it's okay, he'll do something to pull me back. His hand clenched onto mind and held me there at the bench. If it weren't for that, I'd have left right then and there.

"I'm going to help you, I swear!" He lifted his head, displaying his fiery, passionate, eyes. They shone brilliantly in a way that made my pulse erupt. "I swear, Lovino!"

I hate myself for believing him. It's just…he's so sincere with his words. I hate how quickly I can go back to him. I hate how he'll change my mind without me knowing. I hate absolutely everything about him. Some times I hate him so much that I get confused between hate and trust. Whether I liked it or not, I trusted that bastard.

I've been to a million people who go to college for years who all tell me the same things. _I'm going to put you in control of your life. I'm going to help you through. I'm going to give you the power to stand up for yourself_. None of that meant crap to me then but now… Antonio was something different than anything I'd ever known. _He meant something._ He wanted to help me, honest and truly, he did. Those eyes themselves were promise enough. I hate that I was so hypnotized. I hate that I believe him.

"Idiot." I sighed and sat back down. "Do you know how many people have tried? If I _could_ be helped, I wouldn't be where I am now."

"And where are you now?"

"Talking to a big doofus like you."

"Because you can't be helped? That's a lie. _I _can help you."

"Lots of other people beg to differ."

"Other people aren't the same! I know you better, _I see you better_." He insisted.

"The kind of sick I am doesn't go away, no matter how many hugs and cuddles you put into it."

"I know that but… I can _help_. All I want-" He laid his hand on my wrapped arm again. "Is for your life to belong to _**you**_."

We had that moment again when we both ran out of words and were left just looking at each other. My stomach tightened and squirmed under his gaze. We were both missing something that the other possessed and when we came together, it was like two pieces of a puzzle locking into place. We had this terrible habit of just forgetting what we were doing. I was supposed to be convincing myself that I didn't want whatever it was that we had. I was supposed to be telling myself that he was just a neighbor who would move in and out of my life.

How in the world did I come to run into him? He was the single person in this world who could break me so easily. How am I supposed to say yes to this opportunity? How am I supposed to say no? How in the world did I come to know him? Pure chance, I guess. How am I supposed to deny this? How am I supposed to do anything? Sometimes, he was a thousand-pound burden but in other times, like this one, he lifted me up as if I had no say in my being.

I was calm. My lips grew warm with remembrance of what it had felt like last night. The part of me that wanted to see Antonio bloomed with anticipation while the fighting part kindly shut up. His eyes and mine knew exactly what we were thinking and the feeling was mutual. _We were going to do it again. We were going to give in._

My eyelids began to lazily droop until I noticed that the boy was no longer looking at me. In fact, his eyes were trained strictly into his lap. I was confused. "I'm going to help you get better." He said, his voice clearly aching. My heart sunk. "I don't care what I have to give up or ignore or whatever. I don't care how hard it is. I don't care. _I'm going to make you better_, I promise."

"Yeah." I dismissed as if I didn't almost let him kiss me again. It hurt. I wish I could have told him just what was one my mind in that my moment. I wish I could have. I'd have opened my mouth and said, "_Just leave. You don't need to be here. You don't need to bring me this kind of trouble."_ Unfortunately, those words remained locked up in my chest, being held away from my throat. I wished things were just different but the problem is, they're exactly the way they are and they don't plan on changing. We would just have to accept that these are the circumstances that we have to learn to live our lives under.

"Lovino?"

"What?"

"Do you…still want to be my friend?"

After all that's happened? No. But… Did I really have a choice? No. "It doesn't matter." That's the rehearsed line I use when forced to make tough decisions.

"_It matters_." He contradicted. "I won't be your friend if you don't want me to."

Now it was my turn to be courageous. Ten seconds…that's all I needed. Ten seconds of forgetting fear. Ten little seconds without letting my brain control my lips. Ten seconds of courage. " It's not a matter of friendship. Even _you_ know that. It was never friendship. This is something much more, isn't it?"

He though about it before nodding. "That's right."

"Well?"

"What?"

"What is it? Between us?"

"Something that we best ignore."

"Is it that bad?"

He nodded. "Yeah, it's that bad. I'm going to _help_ you and if we give in… I'll only be making it so much worse."

I nodded acceptingly. He was right. Things would get complicated. It's really just easier to nip it in the bud and agree on letting the sparks die. Honestly, I was having a hard time being confident in my ability to do such a thing. After all, I never really had control. If I did, I wouldn't be feeling this way. If I could control any of this, we wouldn't have to make a pact that swore us to ignorance. The boy leaned in closer and spoke softly. "_If this is going to work, you're going to have to stop leading me on_."

I bit hard on my lip and did the very best I could to hold in the tears that were coming on like an avalanche. I didn't have a single idea what sparked this. Once again, I was fighting my body for control. I didn't want to cry. Not in front of him. Not now. Not without knowing what I was even crying for! I didn't want to cry at all! Dammit! What the hell is wrong with me!?

"Go home." He mumbled under his breath, that tone of agony still woven through his words. I drew a breath and willingly obliged, getting up slowly, walking, walking faster, then finally running. I hadn't even noticed how stormy the sky had gotten. The blue was over shadowed by grey. Rain, just like mom had predicted earlier.

By the time I reached the front door, the sky was sending down tiny sprits to warn of the following downpour. My parents were already in the door way. They knew. Of course they did, they were watching. I shoved past then just as my father tried to ask what happened. I wasn't even able to stop the tears anymore. It hurt. Oh god, it was torture. I tried fighting myself, telling myself not to cry and to stop feeling so shitty but it only took a minute for me to realize it was pointless. I flopped down on my bed and let it out.

Why did it hurt? Nothing should hurt so terribly bad. Had a lost something? Had I been impaled through the chest? As far as I knew, no. Still, it ached as if I had just smothered my last flame of hope. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs until there wasn't an air left in them but I realized that was ridiculous. I have nothing to cry over, right? I haven't lost anything…_right?_

My room is an attic room, complete with a pointed roof and large window that opened straight out to the world. There were two beds, one on either side of the room. It was a little cramped, my parents hadn't been expecting Feliciano. The desk under the window was mine. I never shared it with my brother. I sat there and unhooked the squeaky window so that the cool air and scent of dampened pavement could fill the room. The whole sky was a blur, only mist and the outline of suburban roofs. I heard the gurgling of water draining off houses and the chirping of panicked birds.

I couldn't help but be jealous of the birds. Their greatest worries were finding a dry place to hide from the rain. They never got hurt 'cause they can just fly away. They have the whole sky, they'll never run out of places to go to. The options are unlimited. They have a god-given exception from gravity. Nothing holds them down. Nothing hurts them. They never have to hold back. There's never a good or bad way to fall for another bird.

My breath was so warm compared to the chill of the incoming gusts of wind. I loved it. It cooled me down. The streaks on my face had stopped running but they now burned with each cold blow to the face.

"Ho comprato il giornale." (I bought the newspaper) My brother announced as he stepped through the door, lopping said parchment onto his bed and shedding his wet coat. I quickly removed any evidence of emotion. "Essa sta diventando più costoso." (It's getting more expensive). My brother will speak to me in Italian some times when he's a little extra paranoid about people sneaking on him.

"Vicino la porta." (Close the door) I demanded and fiddled with my pens in an attempt to look busy. He did then looked to me and instantly read my mood. All I got from him was a sigh as he made himself comfortable on my bed.

"Amare… può fare male." (Love…can be painful).

"Non dire _amare_. Non importa." (Don't say _love_. It's not important.)

"Amare non importa? O…_egli_ è non impotra?" (Love doesn't matter? Or…_he_ doesn't matter?)

"Non viglio parlare, Feliciano." (I don't want to talk about it, Feliciano.)

He kindly laid off. "Possiamo giocare a carte stasera?"(Can we play cards tonight?).

"Possiamo parlare _inglese? _Questo è fastidioso." (Can we speak _English?_ This is annoying.) After all, Italian is my first language but we stopped using it when I turned three. Unless we go to me grandfather's house because he's dedicated to his nationality. He may _live_ in America but his_ heart_ was left behind in Italy.

"Essi ci stanno ascoltando." (They're listening.).

"No, non lo sono." (No, they're not.).

"Fine but I'm blaming you if something bad happens."

"Whatever, it doesn't matter."

"So…I assume things didn't go well with Antonio."

"Will you _lay off_?"

"Did you guys kiss again?"

"No! Okay, everything was fine. We just talked."

"Aaaand?"

"And we decided to stop acting so stupid, end of story. We're just going to be normal from now on, and we'll just go about things as if there was nothing at all."

"Oh, Lovino." He knew it wasn't that easy. My brother can't be fooled.

He got up off my bed and wrapped his arms around me from behind in a nurturing way. "Al piu potente ceda il più prudente, si?" (Better to bend than to break, yes?).

"Naturalmente." (Of course). My brother was my safe haven. I shouldn't have ever tried to let someone else in. He was right when he told me not to get close to that boy and he was right when he punished me for disobeying that order. My brother only wants what's best for me.

"Abbiamo solo tra di loro…_Sempre_. (We only have each other…_always.)_

"Naturalmente." (Of course).

"Now." He smiled and spun me around in my office chair. His smile stuck to me a little bit and I lifted a corner of my mouth. I always felt safe with him. "Have you taken you pills yet today?"

I thought back. "Um…nope."

His smile widened. "Good. Let's have some fun."

Forget Antonio. At least I have my brother.


	4. The Gift of Temptation

TALKING TO MY SHADOW

_The Gift of Temptation_

"_It's __**fine**_." Feliciano insisted.

"It's _**dead**_." I corrected as we stared down at the limp form of what was once my neighbor's cat. I didn't think it was going to die! Feliciano said we were just giving it a bath! I was in charge of holding it in the bucket and Feli would shampoo it. Unfortunately, the cat was not a fan of this game and showed this displeasure by scratching and clawing at us. My brother got more and more frustrated. He told me to hold it steadier or to make it shut up. At one point, it just stopped fighting.

My brother studied the body, being sure that it's chest wasn't rising anymore.

"_What are we going to do?"_ The cat belonged to Angela Wipple, a twenty-something who moved here from Georgia with her fiancé and new baby. She would be heartbroken. It's not like I could just _fix it_. It was _dead_. I had drowned it in my backyard under the supervision of my brother. I had really screwed up.

"We could…"

"What?"

"Well…I was thinking… We could blame it on Antonio. Think about it. It would work if we both kept to the same story."

My heart stopped. It was almost unreal to hear my brother suggest that with such confidence. Antonio was innocent. He was the most innocent person I've ever met. Still, I considered the possibility but I knew I couldn't. I'd end up at his door step, crying. He'd pat my head, tell me it was okay, and take the shoebox out of my hands just so that he could be grounded for the next three months. It sounds crazy, but he'd do it. He wouldn't rat me out or even hold it against me.

"Let's just bury it." I suggested.

"Why?" This time, Feliciano showed a little bit of anger. "You're in love with that doofus? Is that it? You've already forgotten what he-"

"That's not it!" I growled. "I just thought that we could pretend like it ran away or something."

He thought about it. "Don't you want to get back at him a little? Just do something to settle the score?"

"I'm not settling any score, I'm just trying to take care of _**this**_ before we get our asses handed to us."

"Alright… but listen! Don't you go getting all rosy over Antonio. _I'm_ the one who helps you. _I'm the one you need_."

"Fine, fine. I'm over it, whatever. Now, are you are you going to help me with the digging?"

"Yeah." He got up and smacked the dirt off his pants. "It better be pretty deep. You don't want a dog digging him up."

I agreed. There was a bag in the shed that I used to move the body. I wasn't able to deny the guilt. It shouldn't matter that much, I mean, it's only a cat but…I _killed _it. If it weren't for me, it would be bounding around, catching birds and playing with the new baby. Is that what I'm reduced to? Is that the me that's hiding deep within layers? A killer? I never thought about myself like that but maybe I'm just that low.

We took the cat, also known as Captain Crunch, a few minutes into the forest and buried it about two feet deep. I'm not sure if that's enough but I got pretty tired of digging so I decided that two was sufficient. To be safe, we rolled a decent-sized stone on top of his grave.

"Come on, Lovi. Don't get all bummed out, you're bumming _me_ out." He patted my back. I showed him a little smile, just to shut him up. "Hey! I've got an idea!"

"What _kind_ of idea." You can't blame me for being suspicious. Feliciano had been acting different since I met Antonio.

"There's this little theater…remember? The one Mom was telling us about?"

I shook I head. I often zone out when people talk to me.

"Well It's about four blocks down but we could walk there." He looked down at his wrist watch. Nine forty-one A.M. Dad left for work at six and Mom was still asleep because we turned off her alarm. I swear, she could sleep all day.

"Star Point Cinema?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's the name."

"That place is closed, isn't it?"

"Not anymore. Why do I bother getting the paper if you never read it? Anyways, the town didn't want another parking lot, they got all touchy-feely over fond memories and long story short, they fixed it up."

I glared at him accusingly. "This hasn't got anything to do with Antonio, has it?"

"Is that all you think about!? You're worried about protecting your make-believe boyfriend!? I'm sick of it, alright!?"

"Shut up, Feli! He's not my make-believe anything!"

"Then why can't you stop talking about him for ten seconds!? Jesus, I hate that kid!"

My heart clenched. I didn't want to protect Antonio but… my brother certainly didn't have a reason to hate him! Something's up with Feliciano… he's never hated anyone before. I decided not to push him any further. We went home and stuffed snacks in our pockets (quietly, as to not wake mother) then left. I did my best to keep the conversation off our spunky neighbor. We talked about who would help who climb the fence and where we would run if we got in trouble. The place was a small-town theater, capable of showing five movies at a time. You could just sneak around to the staff door and go in unnoticed. Nobody checked your ticket and the only loners watching movies at nine in the morning were drunkards.

It was a red, brick building with this triangular sign jamming right out of its face. The sign read a few titles of movies that had come out last year with the exception of a black and white oldie that only the seniors go to see. As planned, I acted as a human footstool for my brother then wrestled my way over as well. We walked around the building until we found a tan door labeled "Staff". Of course, it was locked.

"What do you mean _it's locked_?" My brother asked and I turned the handle again. It clicked and froze before I could move it full rotation.

"_It's locked_." I repeated.

"It's never been locked before." He gave it a try himself.

"Lovino?"

Oh God…that voice. It was behind me and I knew exactly who it was. What was he doing here! Feliciano had to have known, that bastard! I turned around to meet the curious, green eyes. Suddenly, there was no traitorous brother at my side. "What are you doing here?" He asked. He was holding a broom in one hand and a dustpan in the other.

"I was going to see a movie." I replied confidently, hopefully enough to mask my desire to faint.

"Well…" He looked around and for a split second, I thought I saw pink dusting his cheeks. "You're going in the wrong door. The staff door is locked because some hooligans were…" His eyes widened with realization. "You're sneaking in!"

"Shut it, you idiot!"

He covered his own mouth and whispered an apology. We were quite for a minute to be sure that there would be no consequence of the boy's accusation. "You're sneaking in?" He asked in a hush tone.

"Maybe."

"_Are_ you?"

"Are _you_?"

"No."

"Then why are you even out here?"

"I work here."

"What? How old are you?"

That's when he became a little nervous. "I got the job… from a family friend. It's only a weekend thing and I get cash under the table."

"You're working illegally?"

"You're sneaking into the theatre!"

"Alright, alright! Shut up already! Someone's going to hear you and that would defeat the point of sneaking in."

"Right, sorry." He looked around again, making sure the coast was clear. "Alright, I'll let you in but you better not get me in trouble." My hand was suddenly clasped in his and my heart stopped beating. He didn't even notice. He pushed the door open slowly and peeked in. "Alright now, don't make a peep." He ordered before carefully pulling me in. There was only one other person in the break room, a fossil of a woman sitting at the table with a cup of coffee and a rolled up newspaper. She didn't even look up when we first entered but by the time Antonio reached the door into the theater, she spoke.

"Good Morning, Anthony."

"Good Morning, Beatrice." He answered back, accustomed to the name change.

She said nothing more, only looked at him and then at me. "It'll be fine." He assured her. "I'll pay for him." And with that, we slipped out of the break room alive.

"I can pay my own ticket, thank-you-very-much." I spat.

"Of course you can, that's why you used the special pay-my-own-ticket V.I.P. entrance."

I became red with embarrassment. "Whatever, I'll just leave." I ripped my hand away from his and stomped towards the _'legal'_ exit.

"No, no, no!" He pulled me back with an apologetic smile. "Come on, there's a movie I want to see! Beatrice won't charge me anyways, she's all bark and no bite."

"What could you possibly want to see? These movies have already played fifty times over on the TV."

"I know but… I just like movies. Let's hang out. It's all water under the bridge now, right?"

"Right." Maybe for him it was but I had a harder time letting go of things. I'm not known as the most accepting person in the world. He convinced me into following him into theatre two. It was empty, fuck'n perfect. No, wait, there was someone there but he was passed out in the first row.

Antonio pulled me into the very back and when I asked why, he said the cheap seats always had the best view. "So your parents let you come on your own?"

I didn't answer.

"Oh, geez, Lovi." He laughed. "Can't pin you down."

"Shut it, I'm trying to watch a movie."

"You're watching an advertisement for the candy counter." He objected.

"Shut up! I'm very interested in…the hip-hop dancing pizza."

"Don't forget the cotton candy doing the hand jive."

"That too."

He laughed his rich, contagious laugh. I hate admitting that I like being around him, even if he is really fuck'n annoying. "Do you want me to get you something?"

I pulled a Rice Crispi's treat out of my pocket and handed it to him.

"Classy." He accepted the offering.

"Now shut up."

"Okay~"

I wasn't that interested in the movie. It was a dumb action flick that I couldn't follow. There were explosions, the bad guys would talk about a super bomb from time to time, and there was a suggested relationship between the star and his agent co-worker. I actually started wishing that I could listen to Antonio's mindless blabber instead. It was kind of amazing how I didn't feel awkward. It really was like we were just hanging out. It was like we were only friends again.

"That guy." He pointed just as the star's face appeared on the screen, "He died in August. OD."

"Is that so?" I didn't give a shit what so ever and I made that clear in my tone.

"Yeah. He had a family and all."

"They're probably better off without him."

"You think so?"

"Yeah."

"I think that it's always hard to loose someone, even if they don't die."

"If you don't get attached, then you don't have a problem."

"You can't just live your life without ever letting others in."

"_Watch me_."

He sighed. "I wish you weren't so afraid. The world is full of good things."

"First of all, I'm not afraid and secondly, if you believe that, then the world is lying to you."

He smiled softly and leaned back, keeping his eyes on the film. "The world gave me all the things that I cherish. It gave me everyone who I hold dear."

"I hate everyone in this world."

His smile grew. "The world gave me a liar."

"I'm not lying!"

"Lovino…Y'know…You're not as mean as you think you are."

"Shut up, asshole."

"You'll miss my pretty voice~"

"SSHH!"

The film rolled on. The love interest was taken hostage and the star was running around all bad-ass-like. I never got why people kicked down doors that they could just open. It's a waste of a perfectly good door.

"Y'know that I have problems too, right?"

"What?"

He stayed focused on the screen. "You seem to believe that no one will ever understand you. You won't talk to doctors because you think that no one can feel the things you feel. I know. I have problems, we have problems together."

"W-What are you trying to say here, Toni? I don't understand you when you mumble."

"I just want you to know that I'm here for you. I don't want you to be afraid to talk to me."

"You Bastard." I grumbled and slumped down in my chair. "You get all sappy and shit on me… ruin my movie…"

"Come on, you don't even like this movie. I can tell." He chuckled.

"Shut up, How would you know what I'm like?"

"Your face."

"That's stupid."

"It's _not_ stupid! It's cool! It's like we have a spiritual bond or something!"

"It's not like that at all!"

"Sure it is! Like, right now, I can tell that you're embarrassed and excited and you want me to stop talking about this."

"You're a fuck'n phycic."

"Aaand I know you didn't take your medication this morning…or last night aand… you've already gotten into trouble today."

Shit, He's good. "It's none of your damn business, got that?"

"You really should take your meds, Lovi. They can only help you."

"Now _that_ right there is a _lie_! They can make you throw up and get dizzy and spasm and all this other crazy shit! They're poison!"

"Those are side effects! Once I took a drug that made my hair fall out and my fingernails turn grey. They just switched me over to another medication and I was fine. Sometimes, a certain pill won't work for you."

"I don't care. I don't want to see another pill as long as I live."

"Just a question but, have you ever _not been able to find_ your brother when you start a new medication?"

"No. I never lose my brother. Sometimes the cat will run off but Feliciano is always at my side." Well, except for when he skipped out just a while ago for fear of being caught. That cowardly bastard.

He was quite after my answer, like he was thinking real hard. "Are you coming back to therapy with me and my dad?"

"I dunno. Whatever Mom wants."

"I wish you would."

"It doesn't matter."

"It _does_ matter! Lovino, we're all doing this for you!"

"Yeah? Well maybe I don't want any more god damn help! I'm sick of doctors and pills and side effects and tests and all of it! Maybe I just want to live with whatever sickness you all say I have! Maybe I just want to live for once without an IV hooked to my arm!" I was a little out of breath. I can't believe I just said that to him. I really just let it all out. I trusted him.

His hand went to hold mine but it froze in midair, not sure what move to make before it finally fell back into his lap. "All I want is for you to live happily."

"Then you'd throw away the pills and call off the group therapy."

"I wish I could. I know it hurts, _I know_… But I also know that this is what's going to make it best later."

I continued to pour my heart out like a damn idiot. "What about now!? I'm dying _now_!"

"I can't! I'm sorry! I can't make anything better yet! All I can do is keep you on the pills and make sure you go to group therapy so that _someday _you'll be happy. I can't do anything right _now_." His head fell, his eyes training into his lap. " _I'm sorry_."

Does it always hurt when someone cares about you? God damn… "Antonio…_shit_…look…I didn't mean anything by that. I mean… I wasn't saying it's your fault…I know that you're…you're...trying."

I wish he hadn't heard but that boy is like a fuck'n bat and he _had_ to give me that "I get it" smile. "Thanks…Lovino." He said my name like a fuck'n poem. I hate him for that. "So…What was it that you did to get in trouble?"

"What makes you assume I got in trouble?!"

"Getting in trouble is your forte, is it not?"

He had a point. I get in trouble fairly often. "You know that red-headed lady that lives two houses down from me? Mrs. Wipple? With the baby?"

"Yeah. She brought us fudge once."

"Remember how she used to have a cat?"

"Lovino! You didn't!" He gasped.

I nodded. I'm not proud of myself, far from it actually but you've got to own up to something every once in a while. "I did."

"Was um…" He cleared his throat, hinting at what he wanted to say.

"Yes, he was there but it was _my_ fault."

That fire returned to his eyes. He didn't like my brother, _that_ much was obvious. "And it was his idea to sneak into the movies today too, wasn't it? Has it ever occurred to you that the things he wants you to do get you in trouble?"

"It's not like he _means_ to do it! You just don't know him! Feliciano is my brother. He only wants to help me."

"Help you!? By telling you to cut yourself!? Lovino, _that's not love_!"

"You don't understand!"

"I do! I understand because every time you do those things, I have to look you in the eyes and know that I wasn't there to help you."

"You're a real fuck'n prince, aren't you!? A bona-fide saint! Is it hard being so righteous all the time?"

"Is it so hard to let someone care about you!? Why can't you see that _I'm _feeling it too when bad things happen to you!? Why are you acting like this is _easy_ for me! You're not the only one going through this!"

"I didn't _make _you a part of this!"

"You didn't have too! It just happened, alright!? We can't blame anyone, it just happened and now we're a in this together!"

"Just say it then! You're not afraid are you!?"

"I fell in love with you!"

Suddenly, the heat of the debate died down and our red faces soothed. It was like we only needed to agree on those six words and after that, we didn't feel like fighting. "You wanted to hear it, there it is. I fell in love with you, exactly what we've been denying. I couldn't help it, it just happened and now, _even if I wanted to_, I couldn't leave you. I can't just pretend like I don't care about you."

We were quiet. Even the ongoing rumble of the movie seemed to mute. Everything had been said. I didn't feel like cursing or crying or even running away. There weren't any voices. There wasn't anything but the two of us, thinking over the truth that had been so blatantly stated. It's not like we didn't know it, we had just never said it. We were only fourteen and fifteen, barely figuring out what that word meant. So we just sat there, letting the truth sink in like water that slowly pooled around, raising up to our chins then eating us whole.

"WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA!?" Our drunken friend in the front row barked, having the awoken during our argument. Stupid bastard. He looked at the two of us who were reasonably confused and he became frustrated once he realized that nobody was going to answer. "_WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA!?"_

Chrissake, it's not like I remember that stupid TV show! I _tried_ not to watch it as a child and I've managed to bloke out the few memories I had of it. I knew the theme, I could place the next few notes but I couldn't remember that yellow fucker's name for the life of me. Something about being a stupid sponge. I looked over at the curly-headed Spaniard who was also at a loss for words. He grew up in Spain watching Speedy Gonzalez or soap operas or something. If I had to take a guess, the name was probably Stupid-Ugly-Sponge-Guy-That-Plays-Really-Fuck'n-Early-In-The-Morning. Antonio focused, mumbling "I know this one" to himself.

"Uh…Sponge Guy Blah Blah." I spoke up, doing my best to mumble those missing words. Who has such a long name? Names really ought to be half that length. Whose teaching this shit to kids!?

That was sufficient for him. He turned around and sang the rest of the tune as loudly as he knew how to. Antonio turned to me, a smile settled on his face again. "_Square Pants_. I knew it, tip of my tongue."

I scoffed. "You're stupid." That was the best I had. I had run out of insults. I could always throw a "kick bricks" or "eat dirt" in there for good measure but I didn't feel like it.

"Be careful now, you're smiling."

"I'm going to kill you in your sleep." I spat and wiped the smile off my face.

"Aww, bring it back, won't you? I miss it?"

"Shut up."

"You look so nice when you smile."

"I will take _this_ very nail," I held up my right pinky which was currently housing my most outgrown nail, "And I will use it to slice open your stomach and rip out your kidney and then I'll sell it on the black market. And you know what I'll do with the money?"

"Pay for my operations?"

"No. I'm going to buy my own private jet and a little island off the coast of Italy and I'm going to live there, worry-free, for the rest of my life."

"You really think my kidney is worth that much? I was thinking more along the lines of buying a dog or going to Disneyland."

"Why would I want a dog?"

"You don't like dogs!?"

"Too annoying. I much prefer cats."

"All they ever do is sleep!"

"Exactly. They don't leave all their gross slobber around and they don't constantly nag me about doing dumb shit with them. I like things that can take care of themselves."

"Different strokes for different folks, I guess. I like seeing them so happy to see me and want to do things. Cats… they're kept up to themselves and they're only nice when they want to be. Funny thing is, you're just like a cat but I still like you."

I readied my pinky and worked on stabbing his guts out. Of course, he cried out in surrender within a minute like a total pussy. "I'm sorry!" He squealed. "I take it back! Leave me alone!"

"Now that we've established who's the boss here… start calling me Boss."

"No way! I'm totally older! I should be the boss! I've gotten into fistfights and stuff! Once, I even-"

Some people are so slow. I began my shank-maneuvers again until I was confident that he knew his place. "All mighty leader of the world works too but that may be too long for your little brain to remember. Just go with Boss. From now on, I own your ass."

"I don't like this sudden imbalance of power! It's monarchy! I'm rebelling! I'm Katni-"

Some people are _really, really, really_ slow. Jesus Christ, being boss is hard!

"Okay! I'll play nice! Stop stabbing me, Lovi!"

"_Who_?"

"_Boss_! Please, _boss_, leave my organs inside of me!"

"Fine. I was getting tired anyways."

I enjoyed peace and quiet for one moment before that idiot burst out laughing. Why did we even bother walking into a theatre? It's not like we shut up long enough to follow the plot. "What the hell is so funny!?"

"Nothing! I'm just having a lot of fun~"

"You're stupid." I huffed and crossed my arms.

"I'll give you a ride home, Boss. Biking is quicker than walking."

"_Don't you have a fuck'n job_!?"

"Nah, they don't need me! I don't even work! I just sweep up stuff and convince bums to leave. They won't miss me for five minutes."

"Well, despite your questionable work ethics, I'll just walk."

"You're not being an inconvenience, I promise!"

"Psh! As if I care about that! I just feel like walking!"

"You won't."

"What's that supposed to mean!?"

"It's raining. Listen." He pointed up at the roof and sure enough, I heard the hum of little droplets clinking against the tin roof.

"_Shit_."

"No, It's fine! I'll take you on my bike!"

"My mom will still _know_! I'll look like I took a swim in the pool!"

"I have a coat! We'll bundle you up like a little, Russian, baby and pop you on the back of the bike. If I go fast enough, he can get to your house in two minutes."

" And then you'll have pneumonia and your bike will be smashed into a pretzel."

"First of all, I _never_ get sick. And secondly, I'm super good at riding my bike. I just put new _water grip_ wheels on it last weekend! It's like it's not even raining."

"Look, I'm going to be straight with you…_I don't want to die_."

"Lovi, I wouldn't offer you a ride if there were the slightest chance you'd die. …Besides, it would be a lot of work to clean up your corpse."

"Ass hole!" I showered him with fists. "You give Boss the best god damn funeral ever! Lots of hot babes and wine!"

That bastard wouldn't stop laughing. "Boss is a smooth guy, huh?"

"Believe it! Ugh, you're such an idiot. Why do I hang out with you?"

"Because you think I'm cute?"

"No, because I think you're ugly and I feel sorry for you. You're like Quasimoto."

"Then you're Esmeralda?"

"If you must associate me with a character of the same film, then, _yes_, I am the sexy gypsy. Only, y'know, with a dick n'all."

"I can save you when the crazy priest guy tries to burn you at the stake!"

"I'd rather die."

"No! It'd be cool! I could go swinging around buildings with you on my back like a little monkey!"

"Alright, I think this scenario has been blown way out of proportion. What I meant to say, in simpler terms, is that you're ugly."

"Do you think you could hang on my back like that? I have a feeling that you'd fall off."

"We're not talking about Quasimoto anymore!"

"I wish we were."

"Well, Tuff. I'm boss so I decide what we talk about."

"Can I run for boss?"

"What? No!"

"That's not fair!"

"This is communism. If you're having fun, you're doing it wrong."

"Maybe we can _both_ be boss!"

"Over my dead body! I'm not sharing my throne with anybody!"

We went on bickering like this until the movie was finally over and the lights flickered back on. Only then did I notice how close his face was to mine. His smile was full, his skin a warm tan, and his eyes reflecting the florescent lights. _He had told me he loves me._ In fact, he said it to my face. What do I do? We're going to continue to ignore it, right? Just say it never happened? Does he expect to kiss again? Is that okay? We don't do that anymore, right? Does he _want_ me to say something about it? Why can't he just tell me how to react?

"Let's go home, okay, Boss?" He offered.

"Fine." I mumbled and stood up with him. This time we left out the front door.

"Hey, Lovino?"

"Yeah?"

"About _that_…You don't have to say anything, it's okay. Just… just go back to being your usual self." He said as he pulled his bike around while I waited under the awning. Once again, I was amazed by his mind reading abilities.

Water droplets clung to his hair without the chance to soak in yet, sliding down and dripping onto the ground. He handed me his jacket.

"Are you _sure_?"

"Sure, I'm sure!" He put it around my shoulders like a cape.

"You're going to get sick and die and then I'm going to have to show up at your funeral. Do you know how much work that is for me?"

"Well, I'll try not to die then." He pulled the hood over my head, dressing me since I wasn't doing it myself.

"For real, Antonio, you don't want the jacket?"

"_I want you to take the jacket._"

"Whatever. It's not my job to tell idiots that they're being idiots." I got on the back of his bike, wincing as rain pelted my face. He instructed me to lift up my legs and hold on. Normally, I could list a million things that I'd rather do than cling onto Antonio like a Koala bear and hide my face in his back but I was still concerned with the probability of imminent death.

Confession time. Antonio smelled good, like coffee and dark chocolate. He was really warm too. Guilt flooded over me for enjoying this but _how can you not_? His breathing was steady, I could heart his heart beat keeping pace with his peddling. "Are you okay back there?" He asked over the howling of the wind and the hissing of the rain.

"Are we dead?"

"I don't think so."

"Then I'm fine." I looked up from my huddle.

He was soaked. Completely drenched. His perky hair was clinging to his head now, the color reaching a shade of black as little droplets spiraled their way down to freedom. He glanced back at me, sensing that I wasn't hiding anymore. Even his eyelashes were holding little beads of rain away from his sparkling eyes. "Idiot! Keep your eyes in front of you!"

He chuckled at turned back around. "Like a little monkey~"

"Shit." I ignored that comment in favor of my pants, which were also soaked wet. "My mom's going to know for sure!"

He glanced back at my pants and sighed. "The Gift of Problems."

"What?"

"_The Gift of Problems_. It's something my dad always says."

"Problems aren't a gift!"

"Sure they are! They help us evaluate ourselves. You get to know your strengths and weaknesses. You learn who you true friends are, you find out what's most important to you and what you would give up for it. Problems are just another way we learn."

"Bullshit! You're saying that being compulsive is a gift?"

"In a way, yeah. I know more about myself, I've learned self-control and I've met you, haven't I?"

"That's so stupid! Riding home in the rain and going back to work drenched is a _gift_?!"

"Well, I'll know that you'll get home safe, you won't get in trouble and you won't get sick. I know you don't understand but to me, _that's_ a gift."

"I hate you're stupid nuggets of wisdom." I mumbled and pressed my face into his back again, mostly just to hide the redness of my cheeks but also because I missed the warmth. He was right about getting to my house in two minutes. He pulled up and put his foot down.

"Here's you stop."

I should have just gotten off and went inside, maybe even thank him, but _no_. I _had_ to be a nice person. "Pull around the back." I instructed.

He looked at me with confusion but followed my instructions none the less. We put his bike on the porch. "Lovino, what are we-"

"Hush!" I told him and took his hand in mine. I opened the back door slowly and peered in. It didn't look like anyone was awake. The house was dim and echoing with the sound of water on the windowpanes. "Come on." I tugged his hand gently and he followed me in.

The floor consisted of wooden panels, perfect for squeaking on when you're trying to sneak in. The house used to be a barn until converted in the sixties but whoever did the remodeling left the roof beams where they were, high into the heavens. I took Antonio around to the stairs walking as much on the carpet as possible. "This place is amazing." He breathed, looking around at our country-style-house.

"It's old, that's for sure." We went upstairs carefully. Compared to his room, mine was a catastrophic mess. I mean, it was clean _enough_. I had some paper and a pair of pants just lying around but most everything else was where it ought to be. All the walls were wooden panels, compared to Antonio's smoothly plastered white walls. I had two cramped beds, a writing desk, a window and a little light overhead that was attached to a pull-string. Compared to Antonio, I looked like the little orphan Annie.

He had himself a ball just looking around. We was about to ask about the second bed when he figured it out for himself. It's not like we're remarkably poor or anything, I just never bothered to do anything with my room. I pulled out the drawer from under my bed and sorted through the clothes.

"What are you looking for?" He asked.

"Clothes."

"Why?"

I looked him over, his hair hanging limp, his clothes now two shades darker than they were when we left. It took him a minute to get the hint. "Oh! No, I'll be fine, Lovi."

"Shut up, I'm doing this for myself. I don't want to buy flowers for your dead body." I expected him to say something stupid about a cat but he just put on his little chipper smile and popped down on Feliciano's bed. "Feli's going to be pissed off if you get his sheets wet." I warned him.

He laid down. "His sheets are dusty anyways, they need to be changed."

"Don't blame me if you wake up bald one day. My brother doesn't like you, his revenge will be harsh."

"Why is that?"

"That he doesn't like you?"

"Yeah."

"He thinks you're stupid."

"What's the _real_ reason?"

"I dunno. He's just very protective. He thinks that you're like all the other people I've been friends with."

"What happened with your other friends?"

"Nothing. I never have friends because their parents hate me or because my mom doesn't think it's safe. If they pass both those requirements though, they just leave. They get sick of listening to me nag or they get scared off when I have an episode. Feliciano says it's better to just not let anyone close."

"I think Feliciano might be playing it a little too safe, don't you think?"

"I don't know."

"Well, don't you want to have friends?"

"I don't care. I have Feliciano."

"It's not selfish to want to have other people in your life."

"Yes it is! You don't get it, He's _always_ been here, He's given me _everything_ and he's the one waiting with open arms when another person decides that I'm just not worth it."

"Lovino, look at me." He ordered. I disobeyed, just to be stubborn. He sighed, "Lovino, you're going to be awful lonely if you keep going with this _Me-Myself-and-Feliciano_ mentality. You have to let others in at some point."

I turned around and chucked a shirt at his face to shut him up. Every doctor I've been to has tried to make me pass off my brother, ungrateful of everything he's ever given me. They don't understand. Feliciano is my other half. He's with me when I wake up and when I go to sleep and when I close my eyes. To get rid of Feliciano is to slice me right down the middle. "You can wear that, it's the only thing I've got that you can fit your big head into."

He held it open. It said _'Fifty Dog Challenge: Peter's American Bar and Grill'_. "Did you really eat fifty hot dogs?"

"No, gross! It was my dad's. He gave it to me when he stated working out. I guess it wasn't such an accomplishment anymore."

"What do you want me to do with it?"

"Put it in your bag and change when you get back to work. Come on, this isn't brain surgery." I threw a pair of sweat pants and sandals at him. "You're going to look like a total bum."

"Thanks." He packed the clothes into his bag.

"Can you fit a towel in there?"

He checked it out. "Yeah, probably."

I got up and ran down to the bathroom, stealthily retrieving a towel. When I got back to the room, I hear that ungodly scratching. It was time for Skitz to be let in. "Fuck!" I dropped the towel and took off down stairs, followed by Antonio.

"What's going on?" He asked.

"Skitz is going to wake mom up!" I went to the back door and opened it. Skitz wasn't happy with me but he pranced in regardless.

"Who?"

"Skitz, the cat."

He looked at me and then at the door. "And his _name_ is Skitz?"

"Yeah." I shut the door quietly and grabbed the cat. If I didn't dry him off, he'd make a mess and everyone would be angry with me.

"Why is that?"

"When I was younger," I Heaved the cat onto my lap as I sat down and began to dry him with a kitchen towel. "I'd hear him scratching at the door but I couldn't reach the handle so I'd have to complain to my mom about the cat outside and she'd say, _Oh Lovino, it's just the Skitz_. So his name became Skitz."

"Makes sense."

"Mom bought me a cat once, a little kitten named Tilly but Skitz really hated Tilly so he killed her. I was kind of bummed 'cause _I_ liked Tilly but Skitz was here first." I let the cat go once I was satisfied with my cleaning.

"Lovino?" My mother entered the kitchen. She looked over at the soaked Spaniard. "Antonio, what are you doing here?"

He looked at me nervously and I shot back a glare that said _say something_! "I came by… because…the storm was causing power outages in the neighborhood so I thought I'd go around and see if anybody needed help or something. Y'know, with turning on their power again."

She nodded quizzically at him before turning to me. "And _you_, Mr.! Is there a reason that my alarm clock is smashed into pieces!?" The truth was, I tried to turn it off but it was dark and I accidentally turned on the radio so I had to smash it or the president would find out where I live.

"I don't know." I answered as well as rubbed my cuts nervously.

She seemed like she wanted to yell at me pretty bad but she didn't. She walked over to the cabinet and took out her pills. Mom goes to doctors and takes pills sometimes when she's really tired or really frustrated. "Don't take too many." I warned as she tossed one down her throat. "If you take too many, you'll throw up and the men on stilts will take you where they take the crazy people."

"I'm _not_ taking too many, Lovino." She told me and swallowed another pill. After that, she put away the bottle and stared into the sink without blinking. She does that sometimes when I get myself into a lot of trouble.

"Mrs. Vargas?" Antonio finally asked.

She took a deep breath and stood up straight, pushing her hair away from her face and tucking her robe in tighter. "Yes, Antonio?"

"Do you want me to take Lovino to my house?" I guess he knew that she was having a hard time. I'm a burden to her, I know I am. She always has to watch me and deal with whatever trouble I make. That's why she has to take pills and talk to doctors. One time, she got really frustrated and she yelled at me. She said "I'm doing all I can! Why can't you just get better for once!? Why can't you just behave!? I'm doing everything I can so stop expecting so much!" She apologized for years after and told me that it wasn't my fault but I know it is. She wishes she had a normal kid.

She looked between me and him, trying to think. "Um…no. No, Lovino has to take his medicine right now." She remembered. She called me over to sit on the counter as she pulled out the multiple orange bottles of pills.

"_Mom_." I whined. "Can I just stand?" Sitting on the counter was so babyish! I didn't want Antonio to see me treated like an infant! It's humiliating."

She put her hands on her hips. "Now, if you don't sit on the counter then how can I be sure that you don't spit out your medication?"

"I won't!"

"Yes you will. Up on the counter." She demanded. "Where's Feliciano?"

"I dunno. Probably outside." I pulled myself up so that I was sitting on the quartz table top. I hissed when the cold surface met my wet pants.

"Why are your pants soaked!?" She looked at Antonio. "And what happened to _you_!?"

"We were out in the rain." I answered. She thought about asking me why but stopped when she realized that she didn't want to know. She buried her head in her hands and breathed until she calmed down.

"Okay, Lovino, okay. Time for medicine." She opened the bottles and measured out the drugs, occasionally checking the clock to see if it was too late to take certain prescriptions. Altogether, there were five. We had a routine where she would give me a pill, I'd put it in my mouth, she'd hand me a glass of water, I'd sip and swallow, hand back the glass, then repeat. We finished just in time for the phone to ring. She quickly fixed her hair as if the caller would know how kept she is then answered and walked into the other room.

I slid off the counter. "Your mom seems pretty tense." Antonio mentioned.

"Yeah, she gets stressed. Today's not a good day. It's my fault, she deserves to be pretty and happy."

"Lovi, it's _not_ your fault.

"It is. I get in trouble and do bad things that she has to fix. She's a good lady, really. She used to be really beautiful before she had me but the stress gave her wrinkles and she doesn't have the time to do her hair or makeup. It's always pony-tails and t-shirts."

"Lovino, that's not because of you. _You _didn't make any of this like this, this is just circumstance."

"I wish circumstance were different. Maybe I could have been born to someone with nothing to lose. No life to be drained away by a lecherous child who's only good at breaking things."

"Lovino, _stop_." The boy declared in a stern voice.

"Why? It's true. I'm the worst thing that ever happened to this family-"

"Lovino! Your parents love you! You need care but so does everyone else!"

"Do you know what my name means!? It means-"

"Lovino." My mother called, clicking the END CALL on the phone and setting it back in its charger. "That was Angela, she says she can't find her cat anywhere and she wants to know if anybody's seen it."

"I…"I didn't know what to tell her. "I… don't know." I decided. Was it easier to lie to her? What was I supposed to do?

Her face fell. She can read me like an open book. She locked me in a long, sad, stare. Of course she knew, she knows what I do. She knows how screwed up I am. "Okay." She whispered. "I'll tell her that you… haven't seen it." She proceeded to brush through her hair with her fingers while she thought. "Antonio?"

"Yes?"

"Is your dad home?"

"Yeah."

She nodded and walked over to me, bending down and holding me by my arms. "Lovi, baby, I want for you to go to Antonio's house for a little while, okay? I'll come get you later today." I knew it. She wanted me to leave so she would explode and yell at me again. She wanted me out of her sight until she calmed down. I nodded.

I know what I did to her. I ruined her life. She used to have so many friends but now she's too busy watching me and taking me to therapy. She used to read long mystery novels but now she only reads online articles that detail the newest therapies with the best results. Sometimes, I think that I'd like to die. I wouldn't worry about things like this and I couldn't possibly make such a mess. Of course, once I start thinking like that, the doctor puts me on some depression meds and I forget how to be compassionate.

My mother kissed my forehead and fixed my hair before telling me to get some dry clothes on. Antonio biked me to his house and turned on the TV, hoping to distract me but it didn't work, my thoughts can always find me.

_I hope your proud of yourself. You dad has to work his tail off just to get you medication that you won't take. Your mother gave up everything just so she can tie your shoes and wipe your ass. You're such a nucance._

"Lovino? Are you okay?" Antonio sat beside me.

"I'm fine."

_You're not fine. Why are you lying to him? Can't handle the fact that he's trying to help you yet you just make his life harder? He can have anybody, why does he want such an annoying, stupid, stubborn boy like you? You'll just end up ruining him too._

"Lovino? What's wrong?" He asked with more concern.

"Nothing's wrong."

_Liar. Look how much life he has, I hope you enjoy taking it away from him. I wonder what he'll look like when we realizes he given up everything for absolutely nothing._

He threw a blanket over my shoulders, like had seen his father do when I was over last time. "You're okay. Stay here just a minute, okay?" He waited for a response but when he didn't get one, he ran off to his dad's office.

"Lovino? Are you alright?" The doctor asked, standing over me.

"I'm fine."

He took the remote and flicked off the TV before taking a seat across from me. He made me talk about my feelings and what all had happened today. He asked me what pills I had taken today, called my mom, then gave me some more. He told me that I may feel nauseous or dizzy and to tell him if I felt like killing myself, seeing as it's a common side effect. He stationed Antonio as my guard and whispered a warning in his ear before returning to his office.

"Alright." He forced a smile and clapped his hands enthusiastically. "What do you want to do?"

"Go to sleep."

"Something _fun~"_

"Go to sleep in a clown costume."

Antonio decided that none of these were good answers so he hooked up his gamer and we played Monster Ball Hunters. Actually, _he_ played and I managed to hold the controller and get eaten by monsters. I couldn't stop thinking about my mom and what I could do to Antonio if I were careless. He's a total idiot. He'll do anything if he thinks it'll make me happy. That's why I can't be close to him. He'll be the one who takes me in and he'll be the one up all night when I'm having an episode. In his prime years when he should be out clubbing and drinking, he'll be checking a calendar and cleaning up the ruins of whatever I did to screw things up. I can't do that to him. _I can't._ He's a such a good, warm, person. I can't be selfish enough to rip away his whole life. If I _have_ to say it, I care about that retard too much.

I should probably die. That would be best. Antonio's not going to give up, he doesn't ever quit, it's one of his flaws. If I died, he might cry a little but it would be better than if I lived. My dad wouldn't have to work so much, my mom would have free time, and they might even have another kid. The world is a better place without me in it.

The voices came back. _Go to the bathroom. You need to go to the bathroom. It's important! All these problems can be solved!_ _It's important! _I was confused by this request but I decided to see what the grand solution was so I excused myself and went to the bathroom where a familiar face was waiting for me.

"Holy Fuck, Feliciano! How did you get in here!?" I shut the door quietly.

"I snuck in, what do you think?" He held a finger in front of his lips to signal that we're whispering.

"What the hell is going on!?"

"I thought about something."

"What?"

"An answer!"

"To what!? Like why you suddenly bailed on me!?"

"That's not what this is about! I found an answer to the problem of Antonio!"

"What?"

"I know how we're going to fix all this. Just listen, you need to find a knife, like a _real_ knife and-"

"_What the hell are you talking about_!?"

"Just hear me out! You just need to get him once, you don't need to kill him or anything! Just slice him once in the side."

"Are you fuck'n crazy!?"

"No, I'm not! Look, we can all be happy. _I_ get that bastard away from this town, _you_ get some piece of mind and _he_ gets a future away from you. Everything is great."

"Feliciano, this is getting weird. You've really become-"

"Listen to me, this will fix everything! You don't have to _kill_ him! Just enough to scare him and show him that you're serious and that he can't screw with you. He'll leave or his dad will take him away and he'll move on. He may need a few switches but think about this in the long run. _You'll be saving him_."

"That doesn't make it okay to stab someone!"

"Can you just _think_ about it?"

"Can you just _go!?_"

"Fine, I'll leave but we're not done talking about this." He growled and slid the window up.

"_Yes we are_."

He worked his way out and looked at me from the other side. "You're skeptical now but I know you, Lovino. I know you'll do the right thing."

"Go away." I closed the widow.

What the hell was he thinking!? Stab Antonio!? His dad would definitely take him away from me. In fact, we'd probably move states. Antonio would forget about me and I would forget about Antonio. We couldn't be tortured by these hidden feelings and I couldn't leech away his life like I do to my mother. Feliciano would be happy, Antonio would be safe, and I could hide under a rock for the rest of my life. Maybe…this could actually work?

No! That's insane! I couldn't _stab_ Antonio! I can't kill a _person_! That's ridiculous! How could I possibly consider this idea!? I shook the thoughts out of my head and splashed my face with water until I was put together again. "Are you okay in there?" Antonio asked from outside the door.

"Yeah, I'm fine." He'd throw a fit if he knew what was actually going on. I opened the door to reveal him standing in the doorway curiously.

When I saw him, I could help imagining a razor in his side.

Was I actually…_considering_ this?


	5. The Gift of Losing Everything

TALKING TO MY SHADOW

_The Gift of Losing Everything_

That freaked me the hell out. I pushed past Antonio and plopped back down on the couch, taking safety under the blanket.

"You okay?" He asked, sitting beside me.

"I'm fine."

He doesn't like that answer. He knows that when I say that, I'm lying. "Are you feeling sick?"

Before I could answer, vomit raced up my throat and I had to cover my mouth. He took the hint and looped an arm around me, dragging me off to the bathroom. It was _humiliating_. I sat on the floor with my head in the toilet while he rubbed my back, whispering stupid shit like "_It's just the medication. It'll be over in a minute. You're okay."_

When I was finished spilling my guts, I viciously smacked his hand off me and washed my face in the sink. It may have been the pills but the stress played a large park in my sudden illness as well. Antonio commented on how badly I was sweating and asked if he should get his dad. "_I'm fine!_"

He was hesitant to accept my dismissive behavior at first but he didn't have much of a choice. He stayed at my hip, watching my face for a dangerous change in emotion. I wasn't stable, we both knew that.

_Are you really going to kill him? You selfish asshole! I guess this is the price that comes with loving you. You just destroy everything in your path. You're tired. You need some coffee. Get some coffee! You need to wake up, you're out of it! You're slipping away!_

"Antonio?" I could feel a headache coming on. _Ask him for the coffee! When you're tired, you make bad decisions. _

"Yeah?"

"Do you have any coffee?" _Make sure it's black! Sugar makes you sick. Milk will make you throw up!_

He thought about it. "Yeah, I think so. You want me to make you some?"

"Yes. Black." _You have to drink it all or it won't work! Make sure he doesn't put any creamer in it! You know who owns the company that makes creamer? The president! Don't drink any creamer!_

We went to the kitchen and he began to dig out a tin of coffee grounds. It's funny how someone can be having an episode and no one would even know. _So are you going to stab him?_ The voices started up again. _You should! No, he shouldn't! If he stabs him, he'll get in trouble! But if he doesn't stab him, Antonio will be stuck with here forever! Either way, you're going to hell. Stab him or not, you're still a sinner._

"How much sugar?" The preoccupied boy asked.

"None."

"Oh, right, black."

_He's going to put sugar in it! I knew it! He's going to make you sick! You should stab him! Get him before he gets you! Keep us safe! _"I can't" I cried without realizing that I had said it out loud.

"You can't _what_?"

"Nothing. Sorry."

"Okay." He wasn't convinced but he continued on brewing the coffee. When it was ready, he brought me a mug of pure coffee and sat beside me. I sipped it hesitantly. I hate coffee. It tastes disgusting and I always burn my tongue. Each sip I took would be accompanied with a sour face and a fight to swallow. "Do you want some sugar or milk or something?"

"No." I blew into the cup.

"Too hot?"

"It's fine."

He sat there and watched me force myself to drink. My tongue stung with a horrible taste each time. I wanted so badly to spit it out. "You don't _have _to drink it."

"I'm fine." I insisted. Finally, he just stole the cup from me and sloshed the liquid down the sink. "Hey!"

"You're _not_ fine! Tell me what's going on!"

"I was trying to have a cup of coffee!"_ He's trying to sabotage you! He's working with them! You have to stab him! Get him before he gets us!_

"You _hate_ it!" He sat down beside me again. "_Tell me what's hurting you_."

For the first time in forever, I was honest with him about my problems. "The voices". I didn't want to listen to them right now, I wanted him to make them go away. For some reason, I told myself that it was okay to go to him for safety even though I was possibly planning to draw blood from him.

"Okay, okay." He got the blanket from the other room and put it around my shoulders. For some reason, he believed this calmed me down. Maybe it did a little bit but it didn't make the whispers go away. He took me outside and we sat on the patio swing.

I'd never hurt anybody badly before. Back when I was really young, I would get frustrated because my parents never understood what I was talking about so I'd scratch and bite but I never considered putting a knife in someone. I never imagined my hands covered in scarlet liquid or a pool of it at my feet. I never thought of myself as that kind of person. "Talk to me, Lovino. Don't zone out, _please_."

"Okay." I muttered. _You're slouching! You look like a slob! Sit up straight! You're such a mopey whiner! _"How's your day been?" _Idiot! You know how his day's been! You look so lazy! You should smile more! You look stupid when you're all depressed like this._

"It's been good. I'm glad we're hanging out."

I didn't answer.

"So…um… did you like the movie?"

_You're stupid. You're just mumbling on about nothing! He must think you're so boring. No wonder you're depressed! _ "I don't remember, I didn't really watch it." _Of course you were zoning out. You're always zoning out. Can't you focus on anything? _

"Lovino?" _This is why your grades are so bad. This is why nobody likes you. You should try harder. Put more effort into your work. You would do better if you weren't so stupid and lazy. _

"I love you!"

My attention was suddenly ripped away from me and laid smack dab on Antonio's face. When our eyes met, his face of panic became relief. "Thank god. I thought you were relapsing."

"You said…"

"I had to get your attention! It's like there's ten different stations playing in your head and I'm only on one of them. You have to come back."

"I'm back, I'm back."

"Talk to me, okay? How about… school. What are you doing in school?"

"Failing. I miss a lot of school, I don't pay attention and I don't do my homework."

"I can help you! I learned everything you're learning last year! I can tutor you!"

"No you can't. I'm too stupid. I'll probably have to go back to kindergarten or retard camp or something."

"Come on, that's not true. _You're smart_, I know you are."

"No, I'm not. _I'm an idiot_."

"Who's telling you that!? The voices? Have the voices ever proven themselves to be credible, Lovino!?"

"I don't know!"

"What kinds of things do they tell you!?"

"That I'm stupid and I should die and nobody likes me and-"

"See! None of those things are true! You're amazing! I've never ever met anyone like you!"

"I guess you don't know a lot of crazy people."

"You're not crazy."

"Yes, I am."

"If you were crazy, don't you think I'd have _told_ you by now?"

"You don't just tell someone whether they're crazy or not!"

"Well, then let me be the first. You're not crazy. You are Lovino Vargas and you _are not_ crazy."

"You're a liar."

"You just…_you just don't see what I see._ I see a young, spunky boy who's got all the heart in the world but he's trapped behind this force of coincidence."

"Wouldn't it be great if we could all just sit around a campfire and sing kumbaya? That's not the way the world works though. You should just give up on me. Some day when I'm a middle aged-worker at Walmart, someone will figure it out and they'll put me in a crazy house."

"That's not going to happen to you! Everyone else is wrong! They just don't know! They'll just throw you in a ward a put you on the recommended set of prescriptions! That can't happen to you!" Emotion choked up his voice. It startled me. We wasn't going to cry, was he? What was I supposed do if he cried!? "Right _now_ is the time to help you! It's happening _now_!"

"_What's_ happening?" I whispered.

"You're slipping away! You're leaving reality! I can't let you leave, I promised you that I'd save you! I'm not going to let you close yourself off and end up like everyone else. You _can't_ go to a ward. You _can't _give up." That was all he got out before he had to drop his head into his hands.

I waited to see if he were crying but thankful he remained put together, simply breathing a little harder than usual. What impressed me most was how strongly he felt about my wellbeing. Why did he care so much? The poor kid was being torn apart over someone who's only ever been selfish and hateful. It didn't make sense!

"Come on, I'm not going to a psych ward." I said, doing my best to be supportive. I'm not good at this touchy feely stuff. He didn't answer, he remained hunched over onto himself. I tried patting his back but that did nothing. Finally, his depression made me depressed too so I laid my head on top of his. This could be a good place to sleep. After all, it's warm and it smells like nice shampoo. It only took me a moment to realize that he was trying to hold in laughter.

"I can't sleep when you're all shaky."

"Sorry, it's just… you really are _something_, Lovino."

"I'll take that as an insult."

"No, no! You're unique. Unpredictable."

"And you're ugly."

He laughed again and sat up, letting my head fall on his shoulder. Normally, I'd never be okay with this but I was feeling just sad enough that it worked. He noticed this and took advantage of my rare docility by gently brushing loose hair away from my face and picking a leaf off my jacket. "Lovino?"

"What?"

"If I asked you something, would you answer honestly?"

"Depends on what you're asking."

"I was wondering… Do you really prefer to be alone with your brother over being with your mom and dad and…me?"

"I don't know." I told him honestly. Since I was small, I'd always preferred hiding out with my brother but now that Antonio's here…I don't know. I sort of like being out of the house. I don't feel so secluded. I feel like I _want_ to be open with the world but I just can't. I keep being pulled back.

"You're slipping back, did you know that?" He kept lazily pushing my bangs away from my face but the continued to resume their usual haphazard positions.

"I guess."

"You are but it's okay because once you break, I'll make sure you heal."

"Break?"

"Yup. It always happens. You bend and bend and bend and finally you breakdown. It's a natural process of being sick. You can either heal and get a lot better or you can fall even farther next time."

"Antonio?"

"Yeah?"

"When I break…do I have to go to a hospital?"

"Maybe for a little while but not too long, I promise."

"How do you know? What if they want to pull out my brains and sell then to Harvard students?"

"I'll make sure they don't."

"Run them over with your bike?"

"For sure."

"We should have a safe word in case we _need_ to get help."

"How about: _I need help_."

"You idiot! That's so vulnerable! The CIA would pick you up in a minute!"

"Ah, I see. Okay. Our safe word can be…how about _Apagar_?"

I'm not an expert on Spanish, I've only spoken Spanish once before but that sounded a lot like the word for powering down. "What's it mean?"

"To put out a fire. Extinguish."

"Okay. _Apagar_." I quietly sounded out the word a few times.

We didn't do anything for the rest of the day. We were outside for another hour and a half until the voices went away then we played Monster Ball Hunters. The depression began to subside. I started having fun. We ate Instant Ramen for lunch then Antonio showed me how to watch soccer. He suggested I root for the Spaniards with him but no idiot can pull the wool over my eyes. The Italian team was a clear choice. After all, everyone knows God is Italian.

Mom still hadn't come back and I was getting anxious. What if she wanted to leave me here? But that's ridiculous, right? Mom wouldn't give me away! She was the one who put a dog tag on my belt loops until I was seven! She'll come back, I know she will.

_Why should she want you back? You just make everything hard for her. You're a burden on them. She wishes she had aborted you when she had the chance! She didn't want you, she wanted a kid that wasn't such a fuck'n nuisance all the time!_

I opened my mouth to report the reoccurrence of the voices when they spoke up again. _What? You're going to go crying to your boyfriend? That's so like you. You just want everybody to worry about you. Please, Antonio, drop everything to fix my problems for me! What's your deal!? Too stupid to take care of things on your own? Maybe you can ask him to wipe your ass for you too. _

_Rip his life away from him, do the honors. Good thing you don't love him or this would be really hard to do. Oh wait, you do. The poor little cry baby is in love! How stupid. Did you ever think you had a chance? You're a monster. That stupid idiot wants a little fairytale romance. He wants to ride away into the sunset. I've got news for you, you're killing him. I hope you're proud._

_You're a monster. He'll be bald at thirty, working his ass off just so that he can get you pills. What did he do to deserve that? Oh wait, I remember, he decided to love __**you**__. I feel sorry for him. He deserves so much more. He should have a cute little wife with lots of loving kids but instead he's going to die alone. I hope your proud of yourself for killing the only person you've ever loved. That's true love right there. Who needs sacrifice? Just going on being selfish, that's what you're good at._

That was enough! They were right, I had been fooling myself! I'm a terrible person! I don't care what I have to give up, I'm going to make sure Antonio is safe from me.

I slipped away while Antonio was deep into his battle and quietly skitted off to the kitchen. I kept telling myself that I was doing the right thing and I tried not to think about it too much for risk of changing my mind. I had to do this. _For Antonio_.

Feliciano was already there, expecting me. He was wearing a stern face as he silently pointed at the knife drawer. I didn't realize that I was crying until I tried sorting through the blurry contents. "Take that one." Feliciano advised and I swept my hand over a regular Chef's knife. I couldn't help thinking that this was the first time this knife would cut _human_ meat.

I tried not to think about how much blood there would be. I had to do this. I had to sacrifice. _For Antonio_. I promised myself that this was all for the best. I was helping him. A few stitches mean nothing, right?

"It's okay, you're doing the right thing, I knew you would." My brother coaxed. I heard footsteps coming towards the kitchen and my heart began to race faster than it ever had. I put my hands behind my back, hiding the blade behind my leg.

"_You can do this_." Feliciano breathed, rubbing my arm. "_You can do this."_

Antonio appeared in the doorway, his beautiful green eyes looking at me with curiosity. "Are you okay? You're crying…" He stepped forward, making me jolt with fear. I can't do this! _I can't_!

"_It's okay, Lovino! Stay strong! You can do this. Remember, this is for the best." _

Antonio stopped in his tracks when I jolted, suddenly noticing the open knife drawer, my hands behind my back, my violent shaking and concluded the reason for my tears. He just stood there, he didn't budge. He was taken aback at first but like his father, he quickly switched to a controlled demeanor. "_It's okay, Lovino. Put down the knife_."

"Don't!" My brother objected. "Do it! _Now_!"

"I know Feliciano's here. Put down the knife."

I revealed the silver blade, my arms quivering with anxiety. Tears continued to pour down my face like a tsunami. I was broken.

"You don't have to listen to him. _You're in control_. This is _your_ life." My grip loosened.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, IDIOT!? I'M YOUR _BROTHER!"_ Feliciano took on the expression of ultimate rage. "_I'M_ THE ONE WHO COVERS YOUR ASS! _I'M_ YOUR FRIEND! ALL WE NEED IS EACH OTHER!"

"Zone in, Lovi. I know you're in there, it's okay. You're okay. Come back to me."

"STAB HIM! HE'S JEOPARDIZING EVERYTHING WE HAVE!" My nerves were blaring, I couldn't stop shaking. A combination of sweat and tears poured down my body. I tried to think but my mind wouldn't click. I was stuck, jammed. I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe. I was stuck. I was stuck.

"I know you can do it. _You're in control_." He looked into my eyes desperately, trying to muffle Feliciano's burning screams. My heart was beating a million times a minute. I felt my fingers tighten themselves around the sweaty blade handle. My heart wouldn't stop. I could hear the blood pumping as it clouded over my senses. I couldn't think. I was stuck, jammed. I was stuck, I was stuck-

"**STAB HIM**!"

So I did.

In one swift motion, I extended my arms and drove the knife into my brother's stomach. "_You're not my brother_."

The knife clanked against the marble flooring. My hands were shaking, my breath had ceased, even my heart stopped beating. My pants were the only sounds that occupied the room. I couldn't think. I wasn't sure what I had done or why I had done it. In the blink of an eye, my entire world had flipped on its head.

"Ah…Ap…Apagar…Apagar." I whimpered, fighting to make any sound come out of my throat. My stale, cold body was taken up in those safe, loving, arms. All at once my breathing wasn't alone. "Apagar. Apagar…Apagar!" My voice wasn't more than a strained whisper but he heard me.

"Shhhh." He held me tight against him, petting my head soothingly. "_Now you can heal_." Once his hot breath hit my ears, I felt my legs go numb and my mind fled to the world of unconsciousness.

My name is Lovino Vargas and I have Schizophrenia.


	6. The Gift of Love

TALKING TO MY SHADOW

_The Gift of Love_

Mt first thought was, _I woke up in a strange place so I must be dead._ Then I changed my predicted location from heaven to a hotel room then finally from a hotel room to a hospital. In fact, I knew exactly where I was. Cherry Hospital, one of my least favorite places in the world. I'm not kidding, it's a real place _actually_ called _Cherry_ Hospital.

Granted, it's not as bad as some of the other places I've been. The Dorothea Dix hospital and Broughton hospital were insane asylums with chipped paint and dissection tables. I swear, when I was there, the lights would flicker and you could _smell_ the rotting walls. I'd rather die than go back to a place like that. At least this Cherry place was reasonably clean. The walls were painted nicely, the bed had clean white sheets, even the showers were better. Still, it's an awful, _evil_, place. Everything is cold and stale. People are constantly staring at you, even if you don't see them, there isn't an inch of that place that's not under camera surveillance. They lock your doors and if you start screaming, they hold you down on your bed and stick needles in your arms until you fall asleep. People walk around in white coats. You don't know anybody. They give you pills that make you shuffle around like a zombie. You can only do what they tell you to do and they keep the radio on, even if you cry and scream and beg for them to turn it off. Any problem you have can be solved with another shot.

In the far corner of the room, a boy sat, pretending like he hadn't noticed that I was awake. "Antonio?" He looked at me. "Where am I?" I asked hesitantly. I knew the answer. I knew these walls, I knew the scent of air filters and disinfectant wipes. I just wanted to convince myself that it was a dream.

That question made him very nervous. He walked over to me and sat on the bed at my side. "We're in a hospital."

"Do I need stitches?"

"No. Lovino…It's a _psychiatric_ hospital."

A glare came over my face. He didn't deserve for me to be mad at him. After all, we all knew I was going here. I just _needed_ to be mad at someone, even if they only wanted to help me. I was too angry, too frustrated. I threw a fist at him, hitting him in the shoulder pretty hard. "Why am I here!? You said I wouldn't have to go to a ward! You promised me!" I kept swinging at him until he managed to catch my wrists and hold them still. Tears fell out of my eyes without the chance to stop them.

"Lovi, I'm sorry! It's only for a little while, remember? That's what we agreed on." He tried but there's no hope in talking reason into someone who will absolutely not take it.

"You weren't supposed to let this happen to me! You _said_ you wouldn't! They're going to keep me here forever! They're going to make me take pills until I can't think anymore!"

"Hush! If you keep fussing, they'll make me leave and put you on tranquilizer. You don't want that, do you?" I shut up. "Okay, listen to me. You're not going to live here, I'm never going to let that happen to you, got it? That'll never happen to you." He waited for me to nod then he let go on my wrists and they flopped heavily into my lap as I gave up the fight. "You'll only be here a little while. They said six days, probably. Ten max." He took the blanket lying behind me on the bed and put it around my shoulders. Only then did I notice that it was the same blanket Antonio had been using to calm me down the whole day.

"You brought this?"

"I thought it might help you relax. I know it sounds like a stupid idea but-"

"No, I like it." I pulled it over my head like a little, old, Russian, woman. He laughed.

"Then it's yours."

"I was going to make it mine always."

"Well, I seem less generous now, don't I?" He took a corner of the blanket and wiped it across my cheek, picking up a few rolling tears. I quickly rubbed the rest away with my sleeve so he couldn't do something so embarrassing again. I refrained from cursing at him.

"Your parents are waiting. Should I go get them?" he began to stand up but I grabbed hold of his jacket to stop him from leaving.

"Don't go." I whispered.

He smiled and sat back down.

"I don't want to be here."

"I know." He pushed the bangs away from my face, a habit that had become more affectionate than practical. I would've bitten his hand if it weren't amazingly relaxing.

"_I want to go back home_." I whined, reminding him how desperate I was to leave. I hate the hospital. It's not like staying at a resort, like they want you to believe. The commercials are lies. First of all, my doctors are never nearly as attractive as the actors in the add and secondly, patients are never that happy. They all have their hair messed up and these big, dark, circles under their eyes. They look dead, I'm not kidding. They sit and stare at pictures of flowers on the wall, too drugged up to think about anything. A lot of the kids are horribly depressed. They all group together and talk about sad stuff until the whole room is one, big, dark, cloud. A hospital is a far stretch from a Sandals .

"You will, _I promise_. Just not right now."

"I want to go back. I don't belong here." That's a lie. This is where you bring schizophrenic kids, I was meant to be here. Some kids in the skitz group therapy are broken in a way that nobody knows how to fix. It's kind of sad. They talk to potted plants, completely zoned out of reality for hours at a time. They'll come over to me because they've decided, as a group, that they're going start an uprising against the hospital using forks and bed sheets. I decline the offer to join as nicely as possible.

"I know, I know. As soon as possible."

"I _hate_ this place. I hate it. There's sick people everywhere, _I'm. not. sick_."

"Lovino, You _are_ sick. That's why you're here."

"They keep the radio on! They keep it on all the time and they won't turn it off!"

"I'll talk to them about it."

"The shoes make my feet itch!"

"I'll bring you some socks."

"They throw away your food if you leave it in the fridge!"

"Well, I'm sure that-"

"Christ, Antonio! Just agree with me!"

"I'm sorry. You're right. They're evil and terrible people."

"_Thank you."_ I exasperated. Yet, the tears stared back up. I told myself to stop crying but they wouldn't stop. I wasn't even sure _why_ I was crying. I must just be frustrated. I wanted to go home and play video games or take a nap but instead, I'm here. I was just hoping that this was a dream that I could wake up from.

He took my chin between his thumb and forefinger and lifted it, forcing my weak, tired eyes to look upon his. His damn eyes always looked at me like he understood everything. I couldn't fight it though, I was still broken into a hundred, pathetic, little, pieces. "What will it take to make you stop crying?" He asked softly.

"_Take me home_." I whispered.

Slowly, my face was brought closer to his and our lips were connected. It wasn't a kiss of passion or temptation or even love. It was a kiss of equal exhaustion and understanding. When our mouths met, we shared both of our heartaches and both of our needs to have each other for comfort. It was soothing, it was forgiving. For a moment, I forgot where I was and what I had done to get there. I forgot about the disease that had crippled me my whole life. All that matter was the boy who's hands were resting on my hips, holding me ever so softly. It was the closest to home I'd ever be. The closest to belonging that I'd ever know.

We parted slowly, our eyes opening to reveal the other. This time, I didn't run. I just sat there and let my eyes remain captivated in his. It's amazing. There are some people who you just never get tired of looking at. Every time you stare into their eyes, you discover a new dazzling shade of color or you find another way to speak without words. "That'll have to do for now." He told me and planted a kiss on my forehead which I silently accepted. I've never been so close with anyone.

"Are you going to visit?" I realized that my fist was still tightly clenched onto his jacket but I left it there. When I'm vulnerable, I'm extremely clingy. I didn't want him to leave. He has to stay and protect me. If he leaves, the doctors will take me away for testing.

"I'll visit when I can."

"What does _that_ mean?" My grip on his jacket tightened.

"It's a far drive, Lovino. Four hours from Columbus. My dad still works so I can't rely on him for rides."

"You have to come! What if the doctors try to put needles in my eyes!"

"_No one's going to put needles in your eyes_. Besides, you're in the adolescent unit so you have pretty good visiting hours. I can come by bus."

"You'll come again?"

"I promise."

"That's _eight hours _on public transportation."

"Well, if the bus is out, I could always walk for four days."

"You're a fuck'n idiot."

He shrugged. "I would do it."

"What if I'm not here in four days?"

"I'll walk back."

"What if they transferred me to a big, fancy, hospital in New York?"

"I would walk to New York."

"But what if they had to bring me to super specialists in China?"

"Well now you're asking too much. I'd have to hail a cab."

"Just pick up the phone if I call, alright? I don't want to wait around."

"Of course not! Call as much as you want, I'll pick up every time!"

"Sometimes, your doctor won't let you call often."

"_Every time_, Lovino. _I will not_ miss a call from you."

"What if I want to call but they don't let me?"

"Then you behave. Being difficult will only keep you in here longer."

I nodded. "You should probably tell my parents that I'm awake."

"Okay." He flashed me a smile before trying to stand up and realizing that he was still being chained to the bed by my arm. He stared at me, wondering if I was going to let go.

"Once more." I commanded, my cheeks flushing bright red.

"Once more _what_?"

"If you ask that again, I'll kill you in your face."

He thought about it. "_Oh,_ I get it~ Okay~" He crouched down and pressed his lips to mine again, this time cupping my cheeks. I didn't care that we were kissing. I had no desire to share mouth germs with him. I just liked the feeling of comfort. Kissing is a way to show somebody that you care about them. "I guess this means you want to be something else?"

"I don't know."

"It's _okay_ now."

"Really?"

"Yeah, you can only get better from here on out."

"Hm."

"So…the answer iiis…"

"Kick Bricks. I'll think about it and get back to you when I feel like it."

Now it was his turn to turn pink, shocked at my answer that actually suggested a promising ending. I let go of his jacket and he stumbled away, not sure what else to do other than mutter "Okay.".

My mom came in and rushed over to me, apologizing for this morning which she believed was the reason for my break down. "Mom, it's fine. That's not what it was about."

"Was it the medication? Were you having any weird reactions? Do you remember?" She was checking me all over to be sure that I was still intact.

"No. It was just time."

"Okay, okay. Are you hurt?"

"Not a scratch."

"Dr. Carriedo was telling me what happened. Wh-what was going on with you?"

I explained to her that Feliciano had suggested that I hurt Antonio and those ideas were later reinforced by the voices. I told her about the kitchen. I told her that I stabbed my brother.

"You stabbed Feliciano?"

I nodded.

"Why?"

I shrugged. "I was angry at him for changing so much. He wasn't the same. Ever since I met Antonio, he kept wanting to do things that would get me in trouble. He was gone and I wanted to kill whatever imposter had taken his body."

She was in awe for a good minute, not saying anything. Finally, she began to cry and smile and she hugged me. "_This is it_!" She would take deep, course, breaths as she tried to speak and cry at the same time. "I-I…I didn't think we were going to make it! I thought you'd just slip away and that would be it but _here we are_." She took a break to sob on my shoulder and squeeze me tighter. I didn't mind. She wheezed out little noises of excitement and dabbed at her eyes.

She let go of me just enough so that she could talk to me face-to-face. " When you were a toddler, you'd just stare at the wall. I couldn't get you to pay attention to me no matter how hard I tried. I thought that you'd just keep slipping until the hallucinations were all you had but I didn't want that for you. I wanted you to see the world for all it has to offer. I was so afraid that we would lose you." She brought me back against her chest, holding me tight and trying to stifle the tears. " I'm so proud of you."

Good, perfect time to break the news. "Mom?"

"Yes, Honey?" She held me back again.

"How would you feel about me and Antonio?"

"You and him _what_?"

"I dunno… like…holding hands and stupid, fluffy, shit."

"You mean you want to know how I feel about you two as a _couple_?"

"Sure."

"Well is that what it is? Lovi, you're not making sense."

"What if I wanted to kiss him?"

"You've already done that."

"Yeah, I know! But… what if we did that more."

"So… you _like_ him?"

"Maybe."

"Lovino, talk to me. Is that what it is?"

"_I like him_, okay?"

She couldn't respond for a while. "Like… _like_? Or _like_ like? Is this just a part of the breakdown? What are we talking about here?"

"It's not a breakdown."

"And you're sure it's not just curiosity? Boys your age get very curious."

"_No_. Mom, you're embarrassing me!"

"Sorry, sorry. So… you've fallen for him?"

"Yeah." I admitted meekly. "Are you angry?"

"About what part? The part where you've become a part of a relationship? Or the part where Antonio's a _boy?"_

I winced at that last word. "The whole thing actually."

"Lovino. You've been hearing voices and seeing hallucinations for fourteen years now. I promise you, your homosexuality is the _least_ of my concerns. In fact, I'm okay with it. Antonio's a good kid. Mostly, I'm just proud to see you involving yourself in other people. I'm glad to see you care about someone other than your brother."

"Soooooo…..You're not mad?"

"I'm not mad." She smiled with me for a minute then just like that, she flipped, grabbing my arm tightly and staring me down. "Don't think that just because I said this is okay that you can go all willy-nilly with sexual tensions. If the pants come off, you're grounded eternally."

I nodded in complete horror then she released my arm and went back to being all smiles. "Get AIDS and castration is added to that threat."

I know that _the talk_ is always a sensitive topic. I imagined that I'd get the usual: _Desire is natural, use a condom, no means no _talk but apparently, we were just skipping right to the death threats. My mom means business.

She took my wrist and examined the plastic bracelet that gave stated my name, room number, and series of number that classified me in the hospital computer. "So…" She played with it boredly. "I guess you'll still need a _real_ sex talk. I've installed the fear, so the job's half done. If you want to know the truth, I think you'll be fine, you've gotten through worse."

"I wasn't planning on _that_ anyways! Can we stop talking about it?"

She laughed. "Sure. Y'know what? I always wanted a daughter to gossip about boys with but look at this happy little surprise~"

"_Nooo! Moooom_!" I complained but she was having her way. She slipped her heels off and laid on the bed with me, propping her head up so we looked just like two pubesant girls. Y'know…except for that fact that one of us was a passive aggressive, fourty-year-old, mother and the other was a murder-attempting, schizophrenic, boy. Other than that, we were just like teenage girls.

"So, what do you like most about him?" She was very pleased with herself.

"I'm not having this discussion with you, Mom!"

"Is it the eyes? You like big, brown-"

"First of all, they're _green_ and second of all, this is embarrassing."

"I didn't get to play dress up or braid hair so just give me _one_ turn to be a mother." She actually wanted it pretty bad. My first reaction was to tell her to adopt a little Chinese baby but she got the best of me. She put up with my episodes for fourteen years. Maybe…just once… I could play her silly games.

I sighed. "It's the way he looks at me. He doesn't pity me or anything. He accepts me… he understands."

She squealed and quickly thanked me for my compliance. "So, how was the kiss?"

"Kiss and tell? Isn't that against all those girl rules?"

"You're not a girl, they don't apply to you. Now spill!"

"Fine, fine. Well…" My face heated up. "We were just looking at each other…then he leaned in… and we kissed."

"Oh come on, give me something juicy. No tongue? Going French style?"

"Ew! _Mom_! Ew, no!"

"_What_? It's a good question! I should have guessed that you guys went basic, Antonio has always come off as the scaredy-pants type."

"Actually, you'd be surprised."

"Ooh! Spanish blood, eh?"

"_Mooom_!"

"But seriously, Lovi." She took my hand in hers, letting me know that it was serious time. "If he ever tries to put the moves on you_, I'm not saying that he will_, but if he does…and if you can't resist nature's ways… just be safe. You maybe not get preggers but you can still contract HIV, chlamydia, herpes, all sorts of stuff."

I groaned and smashed my face into the mattress. If I pretend like I'm asleep, she might stop.

"I'm serious. I'm telling you this because I care about you."

"If I die, can we stop talking about this?"

"Okay, Drama Queen, I get it. We'll drop it."

"_Thank you_."

"You've known him…how long? Five days, yeah?"

"I though you said we were dropping it!"

"We're dropping the sex talk. I've still got fourteen years of gossip to make up for."

"Then, yes, this is the fifth day."

"Love at first sight?"

I groaned, "More like I thought he was a total weirdo and he was extremely clingy."

"You should see the picture he did of you~"

"What picture?"

"On your door. They have those little white boards to write your name on. He drew a little doodle of you while we were waiting."

I ignored the fact that I was furious with him for "_decorating_" my name tag like I was a little, sissy, princess. I'd hit him later. "How long were you guys waiting?"

"Let's see, you've been here fooor…" She checked her wristwatch. "Two hours."

"How long has Antonio been here?"

A deviant smile painted her face. "The whole time. was the one who drove you here."

"They stayed?"

"No, just Antonio. We're driving him back but he wanted to be sure that you woke up."

I pulled the blanket over my head a little tighter in an attempt to hide my reddening cheeks.

"I suppose you want to thank him?" She wouldn't stop smiling. That woman had problems.

"I don't need to thank him for being a complete idiot. I was just passed out, it's not like I was going to die or anything."

She sat up and played with my hair soothingly, like mothers do. She used her nails to massage my scalp, just like she did those many nights when I couldn't sleep because of the voices. "I think he wanted to be here to comfort you. He wanted to be the first person you saw when you woke up."

My face was on fire. "Whatever, he's still an idiot."

"Is that your way saying you love him?"

"_Mooom_!"

"You can tell me! Do you love him?"

"It's been five days!"

"Is that a no?"

"No!"

"Then is it a yes?"

"It's _no_ answer!"

"You're so uptight, Lovino. When did you get like that?"

"When I realized I had a question Nazi for a mother."

"Oh! I forgot that I needed to remind you. Make sure you make up with Feli, okay?"

"Okay."

"You don't want anger stuck to you, that's all. Is he around right now?"

I looked around the room. "He's not _here_ but… he's inside, I can feel him." I pointed to my heart. "He doesn't want to come out because he's sad and he thinks you'll be mad at him."

"_Feliciano_." She leaned down, speaking into my chest. "I'm not angry with you. I just want you and Lovino to get along and be good brothers, alright?" My parents started talking to Feliciano four years ago, when they realized that telling _me_ not to break things didn't work. You have to change Feliciano directly, you have to tell _him_ not to get me in trouble or throw out my meds.

"He heard you." I confirmed.

"But he didn't come out?"

"No. He doesn't feel like it right now."

"Alright then. Do you want to talk to Antonio again now? Daddy's on his way, he's coming from work."

"Okay."

She kissed my cheek and left. Soon, the boy returned. "So how are you feeling?"

"Fine."

He set something down on the table and came over to sit with me again. "What was it that you just put down?"

"Cake."

"Where did you get cake?"

"Hospital cafeteria."

"You actually ate it!? That stuff's poison!"

"_German-chocolate_ poison."

"You wouldn't make it one day in here, there are booby-traps everywhere."

"Yeah? Like what?"

"Like the cake. Cake is always poison. And also the showers. They have them rigged so that they can leak gas all night."

"And where are you getting this sort of top-secret information?"

"The other kids."

"_Which_ other kids?"

"The ones in my skitz therapy group."

"Exactly."

"How do you know they're lying!?"

"I'm not saying that their lying, I'm just saying that they're in a schizophrenic therapy group for a reason."

"You're an asshole."

"Want some cake?"

"Didn't I just tell you that it's poison!?"

"I've already had some and I'm fine."

"That's debatable."

"Just take a bite to make me happy." He retrieved the box from the table and opened it in front of me.

"I can't!"

"Why not?"

"Because it's poison!"

"But I just told you that it's not. _You know_ that it's not poison."

"Yeah…but _maybe_ it is."

"You're right, _maybe_ it is. Only one way to know." He pushed it closer to me, a fork mounted prong-down into the icing.

I hesitantly took hold of the fork but nothing else. I couldn't pull it out, much less raise it to my lips. Why was it so hard? He was right, _I knew_ it wasn't poison. It was just cake, possible dry and stale but still just cake. How could I possibly have so much anxiety over a piece of cake? Antonio gave me a few minutes before closing the box.

"Lovino, Do you know how long it took me to get that piece of cake? _Half an hour_. I got to the cafeteria and there were four framed pictures of flowers on the wall."

"So?"

"So, there were _four_ of them, _not three_. I just stood in the doorway because I thought that if I went into that room that I'd be off balance too. Slowly, I talked myself into coming in further and further. Then, I wanted to take off one of the pictures but if I took off one, they wouldn't be centered on the wall anymore. I had to sit down and calm myself for half an hour. We all have challenges. For me, going into a room was a very trying task. I know what you're going through." He opened the box up again. "It's not poison, trust me."

Fuck'n Antonio. It blew my mind every time I saw how sick he was and how amazingly he could conquer it. Our disabilities were just about equal with the only difference being that his OCD was under his control while my schizophrenia ate me up. I could be just as good as we was if I wanted to! I could do it too!

I proudly took hold of the fork and lifted a bite-sized chunk of fluffy chocolate cake to my lips. _Don't eat that! It's poison!_ I told the voices to shut up. _Don't. Eat. That. _I don't have to listen to them, they're lying. _It's poison! So stupid! So, so, stupid. _Ignore them, Lovino. Think about Antonio's strength. You can do that too, can't you? _Look at it, look! Oh no! Poison! _I made a point to direct my gaze elsewhere. If I looked at it, I'd see it bubbling and oozing. It's a sneaky trick that the voices have used before. _You're going to die! So stupid! Don't eat it! Don't eat it! _It's just cake!

Before I could be convinced otherwise, I shoved the fork into my mouth and swallowed as quickly as I could. I didn't actually taste it but the victory was sweet enough. _You idiot! I hope you die, you deserve it! Why would you do that? So, so stupid._

"The voices?"

I nodded.

"Are you okay?"

I nodded again. "They say the same things every time, it doesn't mean much anymore."

"Do they ever tell you that you've done something right?"

"It depends which voice it is. If I flush my pills, some of them will praise me and others will still be upset." It was difficult to listen to Antonio while they mumbled in the background. Imagine paying attention to two people talking at once. It gets annoying.

"Have you ever…turned them off? Is that possible?"

"No. If I'm distracted by a high-attention activity, I'll zone out and not notice them but that goes away too." That's something a lot of people struggle to understand about schizophrenia. The voices, the delusions, the hallucinations, they're all real. Everything in my world is equally real.

"Have you ever had hallucinations other than Feliciano and Skitz?"

"What's with all the questions?"

"I'm just getting to know you."

I sighed a little louder and more dramatically than necessary. "Honestly, I'm not sure."

"What? How can you not know?"

"Hey, keep in mind that I didn't even really know I was schizophrenic until…six hours ago. I've had a lot to think about."

"Right,Sorry."

"Whatever. About the hallucinations, I can't tell if something's a hallucination or not. I know that Feliciano's a hallucination because all the doctors have told me so. It's possible that half the people I see every day are creations of my imagination, I just don't know. You might not even be real, I'm never sure."

"How would you decide that? Y'know, whether I'm a hallucination or not."

"Well, the people who I believe to be real talk and react to you, so that's a pretty good indication. The voices think your real, sometimes they lie though."

"They lie about things being real or not?"

"Yeah. They'll go either way on that. They tell me that Feliciano is real and other times they say he's a part of the crazy. You just can't know."

"Can I prove it to you?"

"What?"

"That I'm real. Is there a way for me to prove it?"

"Stay. If you can stay right here while I take my meds, you're either real or you're never going to leave."

"Okay." He held my hand as a sign of loyalty. "I'll be right here." He took the fork out of my hand and began to eat my slice of cake.

"Hey! That's mine!"

"Relationships are about compromise." He held up our interlocked fingers as a reminder of what I'd gotten myself into.

"I never said we were in a relationship!"

He put another mouthful of cake into his mouth. "You said you'd get back to me later. Now is later."

"It's been like, ten minutes since I said that! You need to give me time!"

"How about I sweeten the deal to make this decision a little easier on you. I will bring you another piece of cake before and I leave and next time I visit, I'll bring fast food."

"Are you bribing me?"

"It's only bribery if it works. Did it work?"

"I'm not taking bribes! This is a serious decision!"

"I'll throw in free back massages for life." He said, his face covered in chocolate icing like a damn toddler.

"Shouldn't you be freaking out about germs and stuff?" I took a tissue from the bedside table and cleaned his nose, much to his distaste.

"I have perfectionism OCD, not contamination OCD. I couldn't care less."

I held his head in place and forced him to let me wipe it off. He might not mind but as for me, it looked my he ate a pile of shit. "You're a fuck'n mess."

"All I need is a pissy little Italian to complete me~"

"What part of Kick Bricks don't you understand?"

"The part where you ask to be kissed. To me, that's a green flag."

"I'm on a lot of meds, that was just impaired judgment."

" Come on, Lovi~"

"You're being pushy!"

"If I don't nag you, you'll never make a decision. Send me home with some sweet dreams, yes?"

"How about this?" I took the inspirational book off the bedside table (there's one in each room) and showed him. "I'm going to drop it. If it lands cover up, the answer is yes, If the cover is face down, the answer is wait, and if it lands with the spine up, we both jump out of the window on the count of three."

"Not a very conventional idea, is it?"

"Deal?" I held out my hand and his met it, shaking in an agreeable way.

"Deal."

I tossed the book up into the air and we watched it soar before it came crashing back to Earth. The answer lay before us. The boy's face fell. "Can we re-throw?" He asked.

"It's been _five days_, just wait until I'm out of here."

He was extremely pouty but decided I was right. "But… If the world were upside down, it would be a yes."

"It's a shame the world isn't upside down then."

"_A shame indeed_. I guess this is better than dual suicide."

"You're such a sore loser."

"Maybe, but next time I'll win. I'm going to do everything in my power to make the answer a yes when the time's right."

"I'm doing you a favor. You need to think this through, I'm not sure you know what you're getting yourself into."

"I know exactly what I'm getting myself into."

"You want a murderer?"

"You're not a murderer, I knew you wouldn't stab me."

"You were sorely mistaken. I could have and I _would_ have. I _could_ kill somebody, I've started my record pretty well with a few cats."

"You weren't well."

"That's just who I am. I'm not always well. In fact, I have people living inside of my head that tell me bad things. That's far from _well_."

"It's not about what you're capable of, It's never been about that. I'm capable of killing babies and raping nuns but I don't. I can't judge you on things you _can_ do."

"Okay, let's play this out. Let's just say we _do _get together and my voices convince me that you're cheating on me. These ideas manifest for a whole year until they finally become a desire for blood. Then what?"

"Why are you playing these games!? You're just torturing yourself! So what if we have to take a risk? We can't have good times if we don't risk bad times."

"I'm just being reasonable!"

"No, you're being paranoid."

"I don't want you to jump into this relationship unprepared!"

"You think I'm unprepared? I can take anything you throw at me."

"Like a knife?"

"Why are you so convinced that you're going to kill me!?"

"Because I _can_! I could do it without batting an eye."

"No you couldn't, I know you better. My Lovino is not heartless, he's not as cold and dead inside as he'd like you to believe. My Lovino wouldn't hurt me."

"_My Lovino_!? Since when have I belonged to you!?"

"That's not what this is about!"

"That's exactly what this is about!"

"_So stubborn~"_ He growled and forced his lips on mine for the third time today. Unlike our previous kisses, this one was forceful and passionate, expressing how frustrated he was with me. It ended after ten, long, seconds. His eyes were burning after words and I caught sight of a side of him that I'd never seen. "If you were any less difficult, I wouldn't love you as much."

Oh. My. Fuck'n. God. That boy has serious problems. I guess he's the kind that likes the fight which kind works out perfectly seeing as I'm all fight. Mom was right about his quote-on-quote, _Spanish Blood_. "If you were any stupider, you'd be a panda."

He cracked up laughing, his serious façade crumbling into a hundred pieces. "You're quite the romantic."

"Hold your applause."

"I like your angry face."

"You're a masochist, you know that?"

"Quirks are perks~"

"Whatever."

"You know what I was thinking about?"

"Nothing?"

"Close! I was actually just thinking that I've kissed you four times and that number really ought to be divisible by three."

"Do you want me to punch you in the stomach to subtract one?"

"Nooo…"

"Are you suggesting that I allow you to put your germy, chocolate, saliva in my mouth two more times because the answer is no."

"It's not germy!"

"Does mononucleosis mean nothing to you?"

"I have no idea what that word means. Can we kiss?"

"No."

"Why not!"

"Because you're a practically a stranger!"

"Five days breaks the stranger barrier!"

"I'm saving myself for marriage."

"We're only kissing~"

"If I give you an inch, you'll take a foot."

He gasped. "No! I would never! I'm a very respectable gentleman!"

"It takes you half an hour to brush your hair."

"What has that got to do with anything?"

"Nothing, I'm just teasing you. Also, you're ugly."

"Lovi! You're breaking my heart!" He cried and flopped onto his back as if shot through the chest. We continued to babble on and act like complete idiots for a good, long, time. Somewhere along the line, he convinced me to let him give me two more kisses but I limited each to three sends max. My dad was the one who finally put an end to Antonio's visit. He checked on me, asking me the same questions and patting me on the back proudly. According to him, my aunt would come by tomorrow with my grandpa. My mom had talked to him about the Antonio business and he had pretty much the same reaction. I guess, when you worry about things like overdose, relapse, and suicidal tendencies, homosexuality doesn't seem like a big deal. To my defense, I never intended to be…y'know…_attracted_, it just happened when I met Antonio. Even that, I hate to admit.

He advised me not to mention Antonio to Grandpa quite yet. He's a pretty hardcore religious guy, we should ease him into it. Dad left too after he and Mom talked to me one last time and made sure I was all set in my visited, bringing me books and cards that were designed inspired me to go through with treatment.

Treatment was average. I had therapy groups to attend and a few physiatrists that I had to talk to. I didn't tell any of them about Toni, I didn't want to get into feelings and cheesy shit. One thing you should know about hospitals doctors is that they're assholes. They always accuse you of lying or they take the things you say and search for a deeper meaning. If you say that you like mac-n'-cheese, they'll ask you if you're trying to get in touch with your inner child or if your parents didn't love you enough. I had four hours or basic therapy every day. One hour in the morning, two in the afternoon then another hour in the evening.

There were other therapies I went to, too. One of them was a "class" where they taught me how to organize my thoughts with lists. It was supposed to help me stay focused and get things done but I just had to make a shit-ton of lists. Here's the first one:

_Things I do to kill time in a mental hospital:_

_Tape things to the wall_

_Stalk other patients_

_Glue my fingers together_

_Start a laundry-mat in the shower _

_Write scary messages on the wall in the cafeteria._

_Collect hospital brochures _

_Sit outside the pool and accuse patients of peeing in it._

_Pretend like I have telepathic abilities. _

_Try to make jungle juice in the sink._

_Tell the Skitz kids that the police are looking for them._

_Make a collage_

_Make a documentary _

_Work on my origami skills_

_Eat something that's commonly inedible._

I got in trouble for that list so I tried again. The prompt was, make a list of things you want to do once you've gained control of your disease.

_Shoplift_

_Join a satanic sorority _

_Live sacrifice_

_Make a painting out of human blood._

I never got farther than that because the teacher saw me writing it and moved me to a therapeutic art class. We were given sheets of printing paper and Crayola paints so I made splat art. The teacher tried to get me to paint other things to no avail. I still got my pictures hung out in the hallway though so, props to me.

I did swim therapy which was okay, I just fooled around and they let me use the computer. It was better than crowding around in the crumby TV room with all those drooling idiots. They can turn anything into a "therapy" nowadays. They put me in a "cooking therapy" once and that wasn't so bad. When I was in my worst days of schizophrenia, my grandpa would cook with me all day long because it was the only activity that would drive me back to reality so I developed a real knack for it. They even _paid_ me to stand in front of the class and teach a bunch of retards how to make lasagna. I got thirty dollars for each hour-and-a-half class so by the end of my visit, I had made a hundred and twenty bucks in my pocket.

Feliciano came out a few times, scared and nervous but I didn't take it easy on him. He knew I was angry. He apologized and flopped around like a big crybaby while I yelled at him and told him to know his place. I didn't plan on forgiving him for a while. He had just flipped on me, becoming violent and crazy and all sorts of whack. He may be my brother but it would be a while before we figured out this whole thing.

Antonio answered all my calls and came back as promised. When he asked me what I wanted for lunch, I said pizza, not knowing that he refused to order pizza. He made his own so that he could cut eat each pepperoni with equal width and spread them out perfectly. He didn't like it when the main stream pizza joints just through topping together like barbarians, not even checking to be sure that the amount of sausage bits was divisible by three. _The nerve of some people._

Amazingly enough, he managed to do it all perfectly. He must have consulted my parents because he got the perfect ratio of each of my favorite ingredients. He even made the bread like a true Italian. I was impressed by his dedication to getting that confirmation of our relationship. I have to admit, It was weird to having someone suck up to me. He kept complimenting me, saying that lack of sleep made me look cute and that my pig-sty room was full of character. I didn't give him anything more than a smack on the head. I still had a lot to think about.

I went from having fifteen episodes a day to four or five by the time they said that I could be released. My visit was pretty average. It's lonely, that's for sure. I get to make three calls each day but I still spend hours on my own, eating plastic cafeteria food and reading books. I yelled at the nurses with the fury of one thousands suns each morning to keep the radio off and sometimes I guarded the fridge to be sure that nobody stole other people's food. My stays at the hospital help me reset and control my voices but it's depressing as hell. I wasn't even sure what I wanted to do when I got home but I was sure it would be better than this

Nobody likes to be in a hospital, much less live in one for a week. It sounds stupid, but Antonio made me this ugly-ass card and I was going to throw it away but instead, I taped it up to the wall because I was bored out of my mind. It grew on me. The card contained a drawing of me (in which I looked like a fetus with hair) and a note, saying that he had cleaned my room, let the cat in, and kept the radio off for me while I was gone. God, he's an idiot. He kept making it harder for me to make a decision.

I went home on the seventh day. I had a bit of a welcoming party, arranged by the one and only spunky Spaniard. There was a cake and even some signs on the door. After I had a chance to talk to my parents about my visit, Antonio dragged me up the stairs into my room and flopped down on my bed. "What is it that you had to tell me?"

"Not _tell_, give!" He tossed me something that I barely managed to catch.

"Christ, Antonio! You can't just throw things!"

"Look at it!" he urged. I opened my hands to reveal a silver chain, a small silver cross pendant hanging off it.

"What is it?"

"A bribe~"

"You're bribing me with jewelry!? First of all, I'm not a _chick_ and second of all, I already said that I'm not taking bribes."

"Then it's not a bribe, just a gift." He took it out of my hands and hooked it around my neck. "Just say you like it, I thought it would look nice on you."

"It's okay." I lied. Actually, I wasn't sure how to react. Nobody outside my family had given me a gift before, especially not with romantic intent. I checked it out for a while. It looked nice, he was right about that. I kept playing with it until I noticed an unusual graininess on the backside. I flipped it over, revealing a miniature engraving on the back of pendant, reading _Say Yes_.

It was probably the cheesiest, stupidest, most embarrassing thing I've ever seen done outside a hallmark movie… And I only made it worse by crying. "_God damn_." I grumbled, wiping at my eyes as if they were itchy. I told him that one of my medications made my allergies act up and I brushed my bangs over my face to save a little pride. I'm not sure when I became such a cry baby. It must be Antonio's fault, everything's his fault.

When I looked up, Antonio was frustrated with himself as well. "_What's wrong_?"

"Nothing, I just couldn't sneeze and now my eyes all watery."

"How come everything I do makes you cry? What am I doing to screw up? _Tell, me_."

"_Nothing_."

"It's not nothing! What did I do? Is it the cross? What do I do to make you stop crying?"

"I'm not crying…. just my eyes are."

"I'm not sure what that means."

"I'm not sad… but my eyes are, like…watery and shit. It's not you… Actually, it _is _you. You always do this shit that gets me all… crumby… and I'm just… I'm… I'm not sad… I like the necklace…it's… it's…"

"Are you trying to say that you're happy?" I rubbed my sleeve against my face, determined to not let him see the tears actually roll down my face. He pulled my arm away. "Stop that, you're going to irritate your eyes."

"I'm not crying!"

"Okay, okay! I believe you, you're not crying." I let him pull my arm down. "Lovi…are you happy?"

"I'm not sad…"

"I know that but… _are you happy_?"

"I don't know…" I played with the pendant for a while. _Was_ I happy? I should be angry or embarrassed but I wasn't. I was confused…and tingly… is that happiness? I looked at the engravement again. I can't believe he went through all that trouble for me. It was stupid but still… it made me…_happy_? Is that what this feeling is? I thought about everything he did for me and how hard he tried to get a yes then the feeling intensified. _Was I happy_?

"You're smiling." He mentioned.

"I think I might be happy."

"You don't know?"

"It's a weird kind of happy… I don't know if I've felt like this before." My heart was beating faster than usual. I felt like laughing but I also wanted to cry.

"Say something." He pleaded. I could tell at this was hard on him.

I wondered if I was loving. I've never loved someone like this before so it's a possibility. _Did I love him?_ I've been avoiding that word my whole life. I looked at his face, searching for answers and only getting those pretty, green, eyes in return. They were hurting, confused, aching. All at once, everything I've ever felt for him surged over me. I felt his arms around me when I broke down, holding me safe. I remembered when we first met and his face when we decided to ignore it all. I remembered him pledging to heal me and committing to sacrifice whatever he was feeling in order to make that happen. I remembered how he traced his fingers over my cuts and brushed my bangs away from my face. I remembered his hands on my hips, his whispers, the feeling I got when our lips touched. I remembered, for the first time in my life, falling in love.

"Yes."

I didn't mumble and blush or ever try to hide my eyes. I looked right at him, letting the syllables fall from my lips with certainty. At first, he frowned and looked down, not processing my answer until seconds later when life flowed through his veins. The look on his face… _my god_. I didn't think I could love one emotion more than any other but this proved me wrong. He was radiant, glowing, beautiful. His happiness was almost unbearable. It was impossible to believe that _I_ was the one who made him that happy. He didn't say anything, he went straight in for the kiss without an objection from me.

So…that's how it happened. I'm not going to fill you in on the details or anything but now you know a part of my story. Antonio cried his dumb eyes out that day like a girl scout. He's an idiot, I say it so often because it's true. I went back to therapy with him four days a week. We played video games and held hands more that we actually did therapy things. I started working with Doctor Carriedo too, boring but not bad. It took six months but I finally learned how to control my schizophrenia and I made up with Feliciano. He still wants to play cards all the time but he stopped waking me up in the middle of the night to do it.

Antonio installed a cat door for me so I don't have to worry about letting Skitz in and we chipped in to buy a kitten then let it wonder into Mrs. Wipple's house _by accident_. Ever since I met him, my life has changed. I suddenly have weekend plans, I do well in school, I've even learned to play a few things on the guitar. Despite the weird nicknames and embarrassing displays of affection, I guess I love him.

I wouldn't say that this is the end because nothing is ever _the end_. What I mean to say is, this is where I'm going to stop telling you my story. So…yeah…. Thanks for listening.


End file.
